The leaves I’m leaning over right now are the same colour as the vomit I’ve donated into the drain beside them. I laugh quietly, internally. Why am I thinking about leaves? Colours? Vomit? Why am I not even slightly anxious about the strangers watching me, possibly worrying about me, wondering if I’m ok or if they should or need to do anything to help me…or, in this post covid world, maybe they’re thinking about how to stay safe FROM me.
What do you think when you see someone unwell? Do you stay calm, slip into crisis management mode and think about helping? Do you get scared, wondering oh no, does she have it, have covid? Is she contagious? Is this some new horrible virus, the next pandemic? Both are normal reactions as is somewhere in between though the calm crisis management response is at least a little abnormal, a little wonderful, admirable and inspiring.
I’m not thinking about any of that, I’m noticing all the beautiful autumn colours of the leaves as they are squashed up against the sides of the drain and my chemo sickness slides down the grill over the top of them, beside them, disappearing into the deepest darkest London drain below. Wonder where it ends up? Does it pass under your house, my house? Or seep out into the underworld of this, vast, amazing city.
Gingerly, I unfold from my forward bend after what feels like half an hour. Only minutes have passed. I am relieved to see the open taxi door, the taxi driver’s patience as he waits for me to be ok enough to get back into the car. He hasn’t driven off; he doesn’t seem worried about me soiling his car, ruining his day. Thank goodness I splashed out on an exec car. I notice the slightly weird angle the car was holding in the street; the driver’s, unruffled (so grateful for that) rapid response (oh so very VERY grateful for that) as he had stopped the car when I had managed to whisper firmly stop now please, I’m going to be sick.
Shaky, trembling, feverish and nauseous, I did feel slightly better; certainly better than I had done all morning. I’d run late for a meeting, and then literally run to try and make it on time, only to find the person I was connecting with was sick too and had not bothered to tell his colleagues I was coming in. In the end, after breakfast on the house, getting something into my stomach to absorb the swathes of medication I’d downed and after a hopeful meeting with his apologetic colleague I felt safe again, listened to, cared about. I decided I had chosen the right venue for my upcoming shindig after all. The day wasn’t a complete disaster, in fact, so far most things had gone well.
Looking forward to being home and resting on the couch in front of the tv for the rest of the day, I crept back into the taxi, thanked the driver for his serenity and fluid driving skills, leant against the window and closed my eyes. I noticed how far I’d come, how I simply did not get embarrassed easily anymore, that feeling embarrassed, apologetic somehow, felt like a complete waste of my very precious time, energy and effort. I reminded myself embarrassment IS a valid feeling like all other feelings. Even though I wished we never had to experience embarrassment or shame. Those emotions crippled me in my early life and at various times throughout my teens, twenties and thirties. I had done anything to avoid embarrassment; the discomfort of being noticed in an unwanted way, of feeling shame, being caught out somehow, feeling the fool, of being judged naive, gullible or stupid.
Thank goodness I’m not so easily embarrassed anymore. I simply don’t care if I’m stared at while throwing up in the street, or when I do something wrong, make a mistake, am caught out, feel out of my depth or don’t know something. It’s easier than you think. Not caring doesn’t mean not taking responsibility; I still apologise when wrong, try to fix errors and am willing to quickly agree when I have misunderstood someone or something.
Yet remember, like me, you are human and just because you don’t know everything, or are sensitive and open enough to take something at face value and not realise someone is messing, teasing you, and above all you recognise you, me, we, ALL have, as much right, yes as much right as absolutely every other person…every other human being on this planet…to be here, to exist, to take up space, to have needs, wants, desires, have and use our voice.
We are as human enough as the next person therefore when I am being human, doing human things, like being unwell, throwing up, navigating chemotherapy, living life, craving being home on the couch…I don’t have to bother with embarrassment. I am already well and truly – ENOUGH.
I’m on a new treatment called DVD and it’s fairly heavy duty so no surprise I wasn’t going to get away unscathed. I want the regime to work. I need it to work if I am going to be able to hang about on this planet for a little longer; a little longer than the statistics still give me hope for. Anyway I’m here. I’m still here. I’m loving life, despite its challenges. I’m not going anywhere other than on travel adventures as much and as often as I can. I will be spending time with the most wonderful, special people I am privileged to have in my life, share this planet with as much and as often, as I can.
Happy holidays, Hanukkah and Christmas everyone regardless of what you do and don’t celebrate. I hope you are having an especially special break in whichever way suits YOU best.
Take care out there,
p.s. if anyone is hurting and needs support contact us at ComposurePsychology
Acknowledgements and References
Images: Me or courtesy of various artists on Unsplash.
© 2022 Janine Hayward www.psychingoutcancer.com. All rights reserved.
Posted in Covid, Myeloma Treatment, Psychology for Cancer, Symptoms and Side Effects, Uncategorized Tagged with: Bortezomib (Velcade), Cancer, Chemotherapy, Daratumumab, Dexamethazone, DVD, emotions, Myeloma, Nausea, Psychology, RIchLife, Steroids, Treatment
Escape! I’m out of hospital. I burst into tears on leaving. Overwhelmed with a sense of freedom and loss. Loss of four weeks of my life and being in the world. Last night was my first night at home since June 27th. Twenty-six nights in one small poorly ventilated over heated room. Up until this experience I had never been in hospital for more than a few nights. Let’s hope I don’t end up back there which is common after a Stem Cell Transplant (SCT). Most people get an infection of some kind and have to go back in for a while. Afterall the immune system is still fairly non-existent. Though I think I’ve done my fair share of infection. E.Coli gripped me for at least two weeks of my four week stay. Not any old E.Coli either.
Specialist Nurse J came in yesterday. She asked me, do you know how sick you were? I said not really; I slept a lot and comparing my bad patch to awful gastro-enteritis which I have had a few times, in some ways it hadn’t seemed so bad. She set me straight, kindly.
She explained she had looked in on me a number of times but I had been asleep. This was a good thing because while most people have infection markers of 10 or below and doctors start getting worried and applying antibiotics, getting xrays, pet scans when infection markers are around 100, my infection marker registered over 400. My temp consistently spiked into 39s.
Nice. Once again I don’t do anything by halves. Trust me. I’m into full body experiences. Though thankfully I slept through a lot of this one! Instead of the Dr B predicted two week stay in hospital I was there 26 days and believe me once you feel well, hospital is not the place you want to be or at least definitely not cooped up in one room and one ward without being able to see the world.
Similar to e.coli
Two windows gave me moments of solace and a wee bit of interim escape. I could just see people playing basketball and tennis in Ruskin park through the tree canopy. Though the windows were in the sluice room which while spotless wasn’t a place I wanted to hang around much. Being reminded I may need to use a commode and other goodies at some stage in my hospital visit; if not now then next time wasn’t an image I needed in my mind. Being in there was handy one day; I grabbed a sick bowl for a moment of queasiness. Everything I needed right there, in the moment. Can’t ask for more than that.
The other HUGE thing that provided relief during this ordeal was all the fantastic facebook, insta, video, whatsapp messages I received. THANK YOU THANK YOU. Also for those I did manage to call for a few moments – thank you for being there, again and again. You are so so special, all of you.
The heavy duty chemo and return of my stem cells has appeared to go well and my neutrophils (basis of immune system) are on the rise. I did get mucositis (raw exposed soreness feeling in throat, mouth and oesophagus) which is common and I didn’t get it badly which I am thrilled about. My platelets are still a little low but heading in the right direction. Once I have hit the SCT + 100 day marker (October) I am due to have a bone marrow biopsy which is the deep breath moment. Will my bone marrow show any signs of Myeloma? Will it show a really low sign e.g. maybe a para protein (pp) of 1, similar or undetectable in my marrow? After all the cells that went back in were collected when my pp was 1. Or will it be higher? Will it come down? Questions, questions, patience needed. In the meantime I’m enjoying being home!
PICC Lines and Clots
PICC lines are good things and you can be unlucky with them. I’m a full not by halves person remember so with my first PICC line a clot arrived and ran up my arm above the PICC line towards my clavicle. If you saw the images on insta, you probably noticed my right arm and hand went an awful purple and swelled to about three times its size. After a week (I think I was a bit out of it) they took my PICC line out (nasty little buggers – they have a fish hook style on their ends so they grip once in (a good thing, nasty when they have to come out). At least the line itself comes out fairly quickly, easily, and reasonably pain free. Another PICC line was put into my left arm and normal intravenous meds resumed. The sub cutaneous line in my right leg (for the Haldol) was moved to my left arm also which made sleeping on my right side a whole lot easier.
With daily clexane (enoxaparin) injections again, the clot eased after a week and I recognised my hand, thank goodness. I was worried. One nurse /doctor (can’t remember now) had said clots can take three months to resolve. I’m still on the clexane but there are few visible signs of the clot now which is reassuring. Just bruises and quite a few of them. Hey, that’s completely manageable so I’m grateful.
A day in the life while in hospital
11pm – finally finish all the intravenous and sub cutaneous meds for the day. With two exceptions 1) haloperidol and something else in a slow driver which continues to provide anti-sickness properties through the night, and 2) TPN – essentially food and minerals delivered over 24 and 48 hour periods into my PICC line (because I wasn’t eating enough especially through the e.coli business. I couldn’t stomach the fortijuice and shakes that were on offer (pun intended!)
2am observations done – blood pressure, oxygenation level and temperature
Between 5am and 6am – more observations and then the intravenous drug regime and oral meds process began. Some meds couldn’t be dripped in at the same time so I would end up doing one hour of something then a flush of saline (or similar) for 10-15 minutes then 30 minutes of something else and then a flush and then two meds at once for an hour (all while the other two described above kept going in!
This would continue for the rest of the day; obs and meds pretty much until 11pm and the cycle would start again. Sleep at night was fleeting.
I showered on good days and confess to going four days without a proper wash! I can’t even imagine it, yick! When you are sick you are sick! I lived in Hubby’s boxer shorts and a singlet. I didn’t care who saw me pacing the ward (on good days) in these. Staff have seen worse and the get up was the coolest and most comfortable thing to wear. Hubby was an angel – delivering freshly laundered clothing, drinks, whims (shortbread) whenever I asked and that meant most days.
Each time I was woken up I’d need to drink, slowly make my way to the loo with Harry; my Med stand with four pump boxes on it to manage each drug and boy could he bleep. Then back again for the next wriggle up the bed in to a semi comfortable spot and before letting a very patient nurse begin the next hook up! Harry’s bleep would be every time an infusion was 5 minutes from finishing, then once finished, then whenever one of the pumps got it into its techie bits that there was a downstream occlusion i.e. there wasn’t but I may have moved my hand a fraction so it decided bleeping until it was checked was a cautious thing to do. In the end I got sick of buzzing for Nurses who had better things to do and would turn the bleeps off myself and restart the infusions when I was sure a pump was being over sensitive. Anything to stop the bloody beep!
Harry’s mate keeping an eye on me.
Hospital food is beige. I get they try and have a lot of people to accommodate. If you have no appetite and are trying to force yourself to eat; the menu is not a pleasant thing. I did however live on tuna and mayonnaise sandwiches when I was up to it and the kitchen staff were lovely.
Funnies and daft things people say to you
On my second to last day I took Harry to the loo as usual only to realise I wasn’t hooked up to him anymore. That was one image I could have saved him from!
You’ll be out before you know it (when I’d already been in 3.5 weeks). Actually I will know it. I’m willing it. Now I’m begging for it.
Oh I’m sorry. It will grow back quickly (referring to my hair and shaved head). Why are you sorry? I’m not sorry. I’m cool with it. I have more things to worry about than my hair!
Do you have kids? No??? It’s not too late. Oh yes it is!! Its ok my life can be complete without kids. Just because you have five and want more (pity your wife possibly?) doesn’t mean I need to have them.
By the way my responses stayed in my head and instead I would just smile.
First night at home
I’ve been awake since 4am, walked into the garden and around it about six times, felt the rain on my scalp and face. Read a fabulous big magazine (gift from a neighbour and the publisher). Check it out here:
I have revelled in cuddles, kisses, touches, smelling and touching hubby. Holding hands is so special when you haven’t been able to do it for four weeks.
Me & Hubby
Photo by CDC on Unsplash – ecoli style
© 2020 Janine Hayward www.psychingoutcancer.com. All rights reserved.
Posted in Blood Clots, E.Coli, Myeloma Treatment, Psychology for Cancer, Stem Cell Transplant SCT, Symptoms and Side Effects Tagged with: Blood Clot, Bone Cancer, Cancer, Chemotherapy, e-Coli, Fatigue, Mucositis, Myeloma, Psychology, Treatment, Worry
When I left you last, Mum was in recovery from breast cancer and Dad’s melanoma was kicking him in the groin (literally). They are amazing people, and fortunately for me they coped and are coping incredibly well with the challenges. Apparently this wasn’t enough to contend with, a trifecta was called for though I thought we had already achieved that. Not to be upstaged, my cancer leapt out of hibernation. My dreaded paraprotein levels (42 at their worst, down to 1 after treatment) are now at 17.
It was gutting to see the Myeloma active again after such a short time. I was again hit by how I wasn’t ‘special’. I wasn’t going to be the person who is miraculously cured by the new cutting edge treatment. I wasn’t going to be one of the statistics up the right (and right) end of the bell curve. I was firmly in the middle of the pack. My body had responded very well to treatment but I was one of the many people who experience the peripheral neuropathy side effect and have their myeloma become active again within 6 months after first treatment. I was well and truly on the path to being the ‘typical’ (albeit younger than usual) Myeloma patient with an 8-10 year life expectancy after diagnosis. I’m almost three years in now…well, you can do the maths.
Tests, tests and more tests
The big upside of being on care as usual and watch and wait, is that over the last six to nine months I haven’t had to go to hospital every week, its mostly been monthly. Except that while my schedule was clearer, I had time to pack in everything that had been on hold while cancer took pride of place. More tests, x-rays, MRIs; I felt like an old hand, navigating the hospital walkways, waiting rooms and procedures with robotic familiarity. The increasingly unbearable pain in my hands, arms and ankles was not Rheumatoid Arthritis after all but more likely the bloody Myeloma.
A rotator cuff injury in my left shoulder (to go with the benign lesion that was already there, maybe it was lonely?) needs physiotherapy. It’s about nine months since the referral, no sign of an appointment yet. I have had a letter asking, do I still want an appointment?. Yes I bloody well do thanks! Well in that case, don’t contact us we’ll contact you, was the reply. Note to Health Secretary (It’s not Jeremy Hunt these days is it, hope not, though sadly I don’t know who it is and if they are any better, could they be worse? That thought is scary!!). Anyway back to the note – Dear Health Secretary, please get the physio department more resources, they are swamped! Hmmm.. not much time off hospital after all.
Treatment two in the sequence for prolonging life after diagnosis with Myeloma
My next round of treatment was due to start when my paraproteins were up to about 30 (or if they started increasing rapidly). Mine had been rising steadily in 1-2 points a month. A January 2020 start back at hospital seemed a reasonable prediction and hubby and I had talked of getting away for a, never before done together three month trip, prior to the treatment shackles going back on. When Dr B said we need to start treatment ASAP, I’m worried about your back. I said no you don’t, we’re out of here. I’ve been dying to go to the middle east so as I’m dying, I’m going!
What I really said was, boo I had hoped it would be January not October, can I put chemo off for a while? He asked if I felt well enough to travel. Of course I said yes. I really do wonder what I would have said if I hadn’t felt well enough. I suspect I would have lied, said yes anyway.
Patient choice and positivity
I was going to test the concept of ‘patient choice’, there is such a thing isn’t there? Nothing was going to stop me getting away with hubby. We both needed a break and this rare chance where we had time off work/hospital at the same time was not going to be missed. I asked what I could do to prepare for the next round of chemo. Dr B said the best thing was to stay positive.
Ha, all the more reason for me to travel before starting treatment then. Being my ‘adventurer self’, experiencing new places, cultures, food, wine with the love of my life, IS what nourishes my soul and makes me feel positive! We negotiated with Dr B for chemotherapy to start in six weeks; not the three months I’d hoped for but brilliant all the same. A strange mix of worry (about treatment) and euphoria surged through my body. I noticed a feeling and realised it was excitement! I hadn’t felt that in ages. Walking home from clinic, visions of Israel, Lebanon and Jordan flooded my mind. I went straight in and booked flights.
I’m back now from an amazing trip. I feel ready. Really ready for the next phase of this Myeloma madness. I even feel hopeful (albeit on top of my usual layer of pragmatism) that I could still be a wee bit special. I could still get that fantastic recovery that may not be likely but is POSSIBLE.
Month one of the new treatment regime. Hit me with it Doc. I can take it. I’ve just knocked three more countries off my bucket list (big grin).
Images: Various places in Israel – Hubby or Me
© 2019 Janine Hayward www.psychingoutcancer.com. All rights reserved.
Posted in Cancer in my family, Myeloma Treatment, peripheral neuropathy, Psychology for Cancer Tagged with: Blood Cancer, Bone Cancer, Cancer, Dying, Family, Myeloma, Para Protein, Patient choice, Positivity, Psychology, Travel, Treatment
Peripheral neuropathy. A fancy pants way of saying pins and needles. Except it is a bit more than that and the more, is scary. When tingling on the soles of my feet and in my hands turned to prickles and cried out for attention, I had just started my 14th cycle of chemo. At night, as if hedgehogs at a rave, the prickles began dancing around, keeping me awake. My self congratulation for having coped well so far and immense gratitude to my body now seemed a little premature or at least to have jinxed me. A strange oscillation between numbness and pain set in. At first, it came and went so I wasn’t too worried. I kept up the once a week, Maintenance Chemo.
The pain got worse. The tingling turned to a sharp micro needle feeling and the ache crawled up my left arm. I remember thinking, this isn’t good. I started talking to hubby about wondering whether the benefits of chemo still outweighed the side effects. We decided they did. I kept going.
So, did the sensation and the pain. The cannula insertion became excruciating. The drip of the drug into my forearm was ok but by the end of the treatment the whole arm throbbed; I hadn’t had that before. In the days in between chemo, the pain, numbness and needling rollercoaster, deepened and didn’t let up. I felt increasingly fatigued, distracted and unable to concentrate. Pain will do that. The symptoms eased a little if I did nothing and stopped using my hands altogether. Have you tried that? It is nigh on impossible! My weekends became slow, sedentary, dull; low mood came a calling.
Peripheral neuropathy doesn’t like hands
Then it hit me; the way I hold a pen had changed. The length of time I could hold a hairdryer and the way I used a hair brush had changed. Whenever a cap needed to come off a bottle, I now ask for help. I was using two hands to open doors or press flush buttons on toilets. Cooking had virtually stopped (and I had thought I was being lazy) instead lifting chopping boards, holding pans, taking roasting dishes out of the oven were difficult. I no longer enjoyed being in the kitchen. No wonder I’d started avoiding it. Hubby rattled off a list of other things I’d stopped doing or was doing differently.
I felt exhausted just thinking about it. Should I stop treatment? Should I keep going? Would I lose the use of my hands if I continued with chemo? What would life be like if I couldn’t use my hands? If the pain was too much? Was I being a wimp? I’m on a clinical trial, I signed the forms, I committed to it; could I simply stop? What would happen to me if I did stop? Would my cancer flare? Was chemo worth it? Was chemo making things worse? How do I decide whether to continue something that may extend my life, when it seems to be significantly reducing, the quality of the life, I have left? My brain; the whizzing and often unhelpful thought production machine, joined the rave.
I told my oncologists what we had noticed about the difficulty using my hands and how I was questioning whether to stay on the trial; questioning whether more chemo was the best thing for me. They ran a few tests and determined I had lost strength in my hands, especially my left hand. They recommended I defer chemo for a week.
That week came and went with no improvement. I went into a holding pattern for another week. Peripheral neuropathy is the pits and as well as dancing needles it feels like being burnt, a searing. The pain was constant, in my shoulder, my forearm and using my hands made everything worse. More MRIs were ordered. I started to worry about new lesions. Was it peripheral neuropathy? Would it get worse? Was it something else?
Deal or no deal
It came down to one week and the limit of missed weeks allowed when on the trial. I had happily missed a few weeks of treatment to be with Mum during part of her radiotherapy and then missed additional weeks while we waited to see if the pain and hand function would improve. We now had to decide, the medical team, hubby and I, the best next step for the one remaining week; chemo or no chemo. Sounds like deal or no deal except there was no money involved, no windfall or good luck, instead hope or no hope. Bones versus hands.
Hands won. Living rather than life, won. This time. Drs L and A recommended I stop chemo; they didn’t want my hands to get worse and so I was kicked off the trial.
After 21 months, 17 cycles of chemo, virtually weekly blood withdrawal, 100 odd cannula insertions…it was time to give the body a break.
Care as Usual
I went off the trial and on to ‘care as usual’. What I didn’t factor in, was that meant I would no longer be looked after by the trial team, the team that had had my back from the beginning, the team I had come to know, feel safe with, could express my fears and questions to and laugh with. I would be losing the team that had been with me since March 2017 when I first stepped into the Chemo Day Unit and steeled myself for the uncertainty of cancer treatment. Sigh.
Then of course there were the dominos. The other life challenges, falling thick and fast. Not sure what I mean? See my last post, Silent Dominos.
So while still dealing with Mum’s recovery and ‘what next’ (she’s amazing by the way) and my peripheral neuropathy and hand malfunction… along came the next three dominos:
- Changing treatment, care team and feeling cast out into a new uncertain hospital process
- Dad’s Melanoma came back
- My cancer got worse
Who on earth had it in for my family? Who had we unintentionally, unwittingly, annoyed?
All of us with cancer. At the same time.
We didn’t deserve this. No one does. I needed to remind myself:
Cancer doesn’t care who you are or what you have or haven’t done. It’s simply not that choosy.
Posted in Cancer in my family, Chemotherapy for Myeloma, Myeloma Treatment, Pain, peripheral neuropathy, Symptoms and Side Effects Tagged with: Cancer, Chemotherapy, feet, hands, Myeloma, peripheral neuropathy, pins and needles, Side effects, Treatment
The Tor and sheep’s poo
The stone of the Glastonbury Tor holds the sun’s warmth and shares it with my back. I duck out of the wind, soak in the fabulous views of the Salisbury plains and reflect on the last year and half since diagnosis with Myeloma. Deep breaths of fresh air (fused with sheep poo aroma) fill my lungs. I’m sure the menopause (Meno) conundrum has been one of the most challenging and inspiring learning elements of this cancer journey. Are you ready for part three (and final for now) of the Menopause blogs? Let’s talk ‘alternative’ (read non-medical) Meno symptom management solutions and finally, my decision about what, if anything, to take. It’s probably apt that I am writing this in a place full of people living ‘alternative’ lifestyles or certainly appearing to be very happily in their own world…
The Tor, Glastonbury
Previous posts about Menopause
If you are happening upon this blog and interested in Menopause and Menopause and Cancer please see my previous posts on Menopause (part 1 and 2, links under Recent posts on the righthand side of this page). Now, let’s crack on with the next instalment, part 3, the alternatives to HRT. A rhyme? Unintentional! Any poets out there? Maybe it’s time for Meno poetry. I hear Menopause, The Musical and the comedians (Victoria Wood (rest in peace), Sandra Tsing, Kathy Burke, Angela Verges, and Jeff Allen have and are doing a fine job); room for another genre? Hey, if it gets all of us talking Meno, I’m keen. All poetic contributions welcome!!!
Menopause, The Musical
Menopause (Meno) part three (my final Menopause focussed post for now)
Wee recap; my MMmM project (Multiple Myeloma and managing Menopause symptoms) began by exploring the traditional medical models, asking my oncology team and gynaecologists for advice. I then turned to a wide range of menopause experts by experience and occupation for complementary, natural and alternatives to Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). I found myself falling into the world of Isoflavones, phytoestrogens, red clover black cohosh and more. Here is what I discovered…
Alternatives to HRT
Actually before we get it into alternatives, let’s be clear, one completely valid option is to take nothing and embrace the menopause process as a natural part of aging; to cope with whatever symptoms are experienced. However, for many of us, in the same way that managing difficult periods, pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS) or tension (PMT), difficult pregnancy, endometriosis, polycystic ovaries, fibroids and other gynaecological processes and concerns, it is either unnecessary to put up with unwanted symptoms or they are simply intolerable. Additional support is needed.
Below are some of the alternatives to HRT and practical solutions I encountered and many of which I have tried. Please note most complementary and alternative treatment options do not yet have robust evidence of effectiveness; though some women will experience benefit from some of these treatments.1
Isoflavones and Phytoestrogen
The definitions and characteristics (interesting nutrition and hormone stuff);
Isoflavones are crystalline compounds whose derivatives occur in many plants (especially pulses), often as glycosides. Phytoestrogens refer to a substance found in certain plants which can produce effects like that of the hormone oestrogen when ingested into the body.2
Isoflavones are oestrogenically potent phytoestrogens. The main dietary isoflavones, called genistein and daidzein, are mostly found in legumes such as soy, chick peas, lentils and beans. Lignans and prenylated flavonoids (also phytoestrogens) have potent oestrogenic activity but there are few studies about them. 2
Evidence is mixed about Soy
A recent study found a reduction in hot flushes when women used soy germ extract with 100mg of isoflavone glycosides.3 It is not clear from studies to date, whether frequent soy consumption explains the lower rate of hot flushes among different ethnic groups.4
Red clover and Promensil
Red clover, another source of isoflavones, contains compounds that are metabolised to genistein and daidzein after consumption. The most studied red clover product is Promensil. 4
- A ‘natural’, non-medical, easily accessible, alternative to HRT
- Growing evidence base that it works in improving unwanted Menopause symptoms
- A three-month dosage duration is recommended initially
- Not enough evidence yet looking at long term effects
- Just like HRT, it is unlikely to work for everyone
Managing women with phytoestrogens
There are few studies exploring Promensil and Isoflavones for the management of Menopause symptoms and other health benefits though fortunately the evidence base is slowly growing.
A recent review highlighted evidence supporting use of Promensil at 80 mg/day for treating hot flushes in menopausal women. This finding was consistent across 3 studies included in the meta-analysis. Promensil was found to be safe over the short-term duration of the studies (3 months).5
A more comprehensive review with a rather unfortunate name ‘Managing women with phytoestrogens’ also reviewed the studies mentioned above. (It makes me angry when its implied or explicitly stated women need managing!!) Setting this name issue aside, the researchers proposed that one of the most widely researched food supplements has been the phytoestrogenic preparation containing red clover isoflavones. Six randomised trials exploring the impact on vasomotor symptoms (night sweats, hot flashes, and flushes) were included, three of which displayed a significant benefit compared to placebo.6
Data from small randomised and observational trials showed benefits of using red clover isoflavones for osteoporosis and cardiovascular disease. Red clover isoflavones may also derive psychological benefits. Safety data is positive so far. The reviewers conclude with further studies would be welcome, particularly in women with significant medical risks.6
A 2018 paper describes a study of 50 patients where a combination of 40mg dose of Isoflavone along with calcium, vitamin D and inulin improved vasomotor disturbances as well as quality of life and sexual function in menopausal women. This was a small trial with a number of limitations so the results while promising, need further investigation.7
From the makers of Promensil (Check out their website and research claims)
Here are two sheets summarising clinical support for red clover Isoflavones relating to a range of health domains.
Clinical Support for Red Clover Part1
Clinical Support for Red Clover Part2
They also explain the difference between Promensil and other red clover products including soy isofalvones. Check it out here.
There had to be some debate, right? This is Menopause we’re talking about after all! Studies involving Promensil were reviewed, analysed and reported in a 2014 Cochrane review paper. 4 Only five trials met the search criteria and the authors argue that,
No conclusive evidence shows that phytoestrogen supplements effectively reduce the frequency or severity of hot flushes and night sweats in perimenopausal or postmenopausal women.
On a positive note the same review highlights the possibility of a positive outcome from genistein and concludes
…benefits derived from concentrates of genistein should be further investigated.
Read the full paper here.
Other ‘Alternatives’, Complimentary Medicine and Lifestyle choices for managing Meno symptoms
Beyond the better known isoflavones, I came across a number of other recommendations for using supplements, making lifestyle changes and employing complimentary medicine for reducing unwanted Menopause symptoms and side effects. I then went hunting for scientific evidence of each product’s effectiveness and began trying a few things out. Here is a list of the alternatives I looked into:
- Vitamins (A, C, D, E, K, Zinc)
- Omega 3
- Black Cohosh
- Chill Pillows (a new take on chill pill!).
- Chinese Medicine
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
- Non-hormonal pharmaceutical treatments
Some women have found benefits from natural remedies BUT the research is mixed and caution is advised. Check out these summaries; 1,8,9
Complimentary alternative therapies.
Natural remedies for hot flushes
A paper Mallhi et al with a long list of alternatives, dosage and known side effects.
Here are my discoveries in more detail; I hope they prove useful…
Probiotics and Vitamins
Now for a confession, I can’t remember exactly who told me to take probiotics and a full range of vitamin B’s, Calcium and Vitamin A, C, D and Zinc to help with menopausal symptoms (blame it on Chemo and Menopause memory impact!). I am 99% sure, I first heard this from my Nutrition therapist, then from the amazing lady who runs our local health shop and then finally I’m sure it came up in the interviews facilitated by Katie Phillips with Menopause experts that I have mentioned in my previous posts (See links below for some of the interviews and more about Katie). I take VitD, VitB and Calcium daily as part of my Cancer treatment as advised by my medical team so it has not been a hardship to add the probiotic.
Muhleisen’s paper highlights probiotics for reinstating vaginal equilibrium in menopause 10 and Britton’s paper advocates probiotics to prevent vaginal dryness and atrophy.11 Count me in!
According to a recent review, Omega-3 supplements may alleviate night sweats but not hot flushes.12
Vitamin C, D, E – more mixed results
A 2013 paper highlighted that Vitamin C and E reduce the intensity and number of hot flashes via promotion of adrenal function though it is very important that the correct dosage is used and no large doses are taken.13
In contrast, LeBlanc’s 2015 paper and 2010 studies (by Dennehy et al and Lerchbaum et al ) show there is no evidence that vitamin D or E helps vasomotor symptoms but do recommend vitamin C, D, K and calcium for maintaining bone health.14,15,16
Zinc and Vitamin K
Zinc and Vitamin K are positively associated with bone mass however I couldn’t find any evidence for either reducing unwanted menopause symptoms.17,18, 19
For healthy hair during menopause – vitamin Bs, C, Proteins and Fats
Sugar craving during Menopause – check your Vitamin C levels
Consider going VEGAN or simply eat more plants!
One study showed that vegans reported less bothersome vasomotor symptoms than omnivores.20
I couldn’t find any relevant studies regarding Vitamin A and menopause and menopause symptoms. Please let me know if you can!
While an older 2010 study found black cohosh reduced hot flushes21 a recent, more comprehensive Cochrane review concluded there is insufficient evidence to either support or oppose the use of black cohosh for menopausal symptoms.22
Chinese Medicine, Dong Quai, Ginseng
Another 2016 Cochrane review found insufficient evidence that Chinese herbal medicines were any more or less effective than placebo or HRT for the relief of night sweats and hot flushes.23
Non-hormonal pharmaceutical treatments (e.g. SSRIs often referred to as anti-depressants)
A 2010 review of studies found Clonidine, SSRIs and SNRIs, gabapentin and relaxation therapy showed a mild to moderate effect on reducing hot flushes in women with a history of breast cancer.24
A Chillmax Pillow
This is a wonderful, wonderful recommendation (thank you Sis-in-law and Mum-in-law!!) Slip it under your pillow case or lie it vertically down your pillow to provide your head and neck with a cool sensation. Ahhh, bliss.
Acupuncture may be beneficial in comparison to not taking anything though the evidence is weak at the moment.25
Ha. We can never escape this one it seems. While exercise isn’t directly linked to vasomotor symptoms of menopause including hot flushes it is recommended to support the related impact of Menopause changes and symptoms. Check out these articles – A good time to exercise and Meno and constipation.26
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
There is growing evidence that CBT can help reduce the impact of Menopause symptoms.27 The British Menopause Society have released a helpful leaflet that has been endorsed by the UK National Institute of Clinical Excellence (NICE).28
Alternatives to HRT and Cancer
A 2013 systematic review of soy and red clover as used by breast cancer patients or those at risk of breast cancer, found a lack of evidence showing harm from use of soy with respect to risk of breast cancer or recurrence. Soy intake in line with a traditional Japanese diet (2-3 servings daily, containing 25-50mg isoflavones) may be protective against breast cancer and recurrence. Soy does not increase circulating estradiol or affect estrogen-responsive target tissues. Prospective data of soy use in women taking tamoxifen does not indicate increased risk of breast cancer recurrence. Evidence on red clover is limited though existing studies propose that it may not possess breast cancer-promoting effects.29
A 2015 study proposed a combination of Soy and probiotics may have potential for reducing the risk of breast cancer.30
Another three-year study concluded that when compared to HRT, Promensil was safer as there was no effect on known breast cancer risk factor.31
New shoot amongst the dryness
Menopause, Sex and Vaginal Dryness
Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about….sex. Remember that track by Salt n Pepa? Except I’m talking about sex during Menopause. Many women find sex painful due to vaginal dryness or don’t fancy sex at all as Meno creeps up on them. Women – you do not have to put up with this state of affairs. For dryness, there are medical issued and organic/natural products that can make a real difference. Consider trying out Yes (mostly organic) or Sylk products. Here is a link to an article 32 which includes a comparison between multiple product options. How Important is vaginal lubricant and moisturiser composition? If you are concerned that your vaginal dryness might be severe and not easily solved by a moisturising lubricant you may be interested in this presentation on Vulvovaginal Atrophy (VVA). It has some great info on the moisturising lubricants too.33
Will I go through Meno twice?
One thing the gynaecologist did say is that I am very unlikely to have to go through Menopause twice; that is, it shouldn’t reverse once my chemo stops and start again at a later stage. That seems like a kind gift from the Universe. I’ll hang on to that.
Of course, I will still be part way through my own Meno journey, living with the uncertainty of not knowing whether mine will finish after 3 years, 7 years or be considerably longer lasting. Hey, so long as the symptoms are managed and I continue to feel myself, I am happy and willing to embrace this new, wondrous, challenging and clever process, my body goes through. Hopefully too, in a few months’ time, after being on my chosen treatment and monitoring symptoms, I will be much clearer about what is a Chemo or Cancer induced symptom versus a Menopause symptom. Meno and hormones may no longer be a fall-back excuse for my ‘well aren’t I moody today’ moments!
So now to my decision:
For me, taking nothing is not an option at this stage as maintaining an even mood, improved libido and reducing hot flushes are a must. Do I try Promensil and or trust in the gynaecologist who was adamant HRT was the way to go? I wonder what is holding me back. I think it is my oncologist with the anti-HRT opinion that is still bothering me; I need to have another talk with him.
My Decision(s) and a U-turn
Talking and researching must stop at some stage and a decision be made. Continued talking and researching can make decisions much harder to make; there will always be contrasting views and experiences. A stake in the ground, a baseline, is needed. I must make the decision that is right for me with the information I have today. After all, I know any decision is not set in stone, I can change it later, if new information comes my way, or my body doesn’t like the solution I try or the decision stops feeling right to me.
So, what’s it to be?
I’m going to start natural plant based bioidentical HRT gel and progesterone tablets.
Except I’m not. Deep Breath.
Just when I had decided to start natural plant based bioidentical HRT (I had even submitted the prescription) my Mum, my very precious, kind Mum, was diagnosed with breast cancer. Deep breath. I won’t talk about this now, other than to say, the all important public health system has once again appeared to have caught the little nasty early; thank you health teams, thank you Universe.
Now, with breast cancer in my family, my chances of getting secondary cancer (and breast cancer) seemed to have leapt from a statistic to a reality. Another deep breath. Talk to self; be sensible. I let my med team know and asked for a mammogram and a chat with the breast cancer team. My oncologist referred me immediately.
I had based my ‘go with HRT’ decision on two factors in the end: a) The delivery mechanism for the estrogen component is via gel and does not go directly through my liver and, b) the research investigating HRT side effects and long term effects is present and more robust than Promensil, at this stage. Although now…
Out with HRT and in with Promensil
The HRT rational above was discarded considering the increased risk of secondary cancer and my recent family diagnosis. Promensil now seemed much more appealing. Despite the lack of larger and longitudinal studies, I decided Promensil was work the risk. I needed help and I was being monitored extensively each week; if a negative impact occurred, I figured it would be picked up quickly and I could stop Promensil immediately.
Two other things helped me embrace this decision; it felt right as soon as I had made it (a better feeling than I ever had with HRT) and it fitted with the additional chat I had with my oncologist. He knows me best, is a clinical lead and has spent most time with me over the last 15 months. He has my best interests at heart and has always coped with my endless queries and requests for repeated explanations. While I do trust the others in the haemo-oncology team, I gave weight to his opinion and his caution over adding this long-term medication into the mix. He said he felt HRT would add extra risk, risk that wasn’t able to have a statistic put on it due to my individual circumstances and the few studies exploring HRT and Myeloma relapse.
Finally, I am reminded that while I usually place my store in scientific evidence, just because something hasn’t been rigorously studied yet, doesn’t mean it won’t later be discovered to be beneficial. Cannabis oil for chronic illness/pain and ketamine for some mental health disorders spring to mind, as substances we might have first thought of as harmful yet in certain doses and conditions, have been found to have positive outcomes. Mindfulness didn’t start out with an evidence base, yet now, it is well established as having beneficial outcomes in many circumstances.
Therefore, I have taken the risk (whatever that is) of introducing yet another supplement/medication into my life.
Promensil 80mg Red Clover Isoflavones
Promensil = Improvement (my case study so far)
I started Promensil while conducting this research and then stopped when I thought I’d better gather the evidence first and make a more informed decision. I was a bit reluctant to stop as I hadn’t noticed any adverse effects and there had seemed to be an improvement in Meno symptoms. When I stopped, the night-sweats returned with a vengeance.
Promensil is shaping up to be a wonder product for me. Although I am open to the possibility it is a placebo effect. Now back on it, I have taken one pill, once per day, for six weeks (the double strength version). Much to my delight the full body night-sweats with drenched bed linen and night clothes are no longer!! I don’t remember having one in the last fortnight at all! Plus, a lovely UK heat wave have meant nights have been hot (in the mid-20s Celsius/77 Fahrenheit at times). The improvement timing couldn’t have been better, otherwise I think I would set the bed and house on fire or internally combusted!
My daily hot flashes now tend to occur in the afternoon, rather than all through the afternoon and evening, are less severe and less frequent; down to 2 per day though I haven’t monitored closely. I do know I’m not stripping off clothes and putting them back on minutes later any near as often, not even every night.
For the last ten days, I have switched to taking Promensil around lunch time or a little later, as most hot flushes appeared in the afternoons or evenings, when they did occur. I have discovered this has had a positive benefit too; flushes have reduced again and while I have not been taking a log, it seems I am only getting one flush a day now.
The jury is out on other symptoms. I seem to sleep slightly better, deeper while asleep though I still wake often. I need to monitor the Meno symptoms closely at the end of each week and during my non-chemo week, to determine any changes; the chemo and steroids at the beginning of the week are likely to interfere with sleep (negatively) and energy (positively). In the middle two weeks of the six on Promensil, I thought my mood had been slightly more even, though I need to check with Hubby on this; suspect he may disagree!
Over the last two weeks with so much going on, health, family and otherwise, I have exercised and meditated less, my mind has been very occupied and I think my mood has fluctuated a lot. Feels like the Promensil was unlikely to have any positive impact on that symptom! Though, who knows maybe my mood would have been worse, if I hadn’t taken it. No science here, no objectivity, remember these are just observations, interpretations and surmising. Though, I am the expert in my own body and mind so I’m rolling with a ‘Promensil is working’ concept for now.
On a couple of occasions, I’ve noticed if I drink a hot drink quickly or have a moment of frustration or stress, a hot flush followed very quickly. I’ll keep an eye on this and try to notice if it always happens or appears random rather than linked to hot drinks and stress. Though I believe this is not uncommon. Check out these known triggers for hot flushes.
Menopause was hard to write about
I have found Menopause hard to write about. Maybe I hesitated because I wasn’t sure whether I was going through it or not: the symptoms are so like those that accompany cancer and chemo. No, that wasn’t it really, I was embarrassed, at first. Outside of my very close friends and eventually, close clinicians, I have found it one of the hardest subjects to raise. I’m not sure why. Especially when, I am a psychologist who believes in taking the unhelpful stigma out of, well, EVERYTHING.
Menopause has been more difficult to disclose than cancer: WEIRD. Talking about menopause with and due to cancer and chemo: DOUBLE WEIRD. This combo takes Meno, ‘to another level’ (the catch phrase of 2017-18, I’m sure). Talking about some aspects of Menopause have been harder than others; vaginal dryness for instance. For some reason, I found this really hard to write/talk about. Worried I’d be judged maybe? Worried people would assume I was experiencing vaginal dryness and for some reason not wanting people to assume that everything I write about, happens to me? Strange, given mostly it does, and the blog is of a personal nature. But that’s the point isn’t it. Get talking. Reduce stigma. There is nothing to be embarrassed or awkward about. These processes are natural, they do not need to be hidden, talked about in secret or god forbid, suffered in silence.
I think underneath it all, I believe my and many European societies or so called developed countries with an individualistic tendency, associate women, during and post menopausal as old, unsexy, and past it. I know that simply isn’t true. Sophia Loren, Helen Mirren, my Mum, spring to mind – all sexy, awesome women, regardless of age. Yet I worried and continue to worry about feeling and being: old, unsexy and past it, particularly when my skin gets thin and wrinkly from steroids and chemo, my grey hair becomes more abundant and my energy or libido feel low. I worry when I stop feeling like myself.
All is not lost; applying psychology skills, and finding psychological flexibility, I constantly and consistently challenge these thoughts and feelings. Though some days it is hard to do. I remind myself of a new more helpful perspective. I take time to reflect, recognise and acknowledge that I haven’t felt old or unsexy every day or every moment of the day. In fact, I have and do feel mighty fine, a lot of the time (another rhyme?). Not bad for a woman fast approaching 50.
Menopause communities…have you found yours?
Thank goodness for the new wave of open discussion about Menopause and growing social communities like the Menopause Café movement. It’s about time. Here are two Meno stories and an episode of Loose Women about Meno. You may also want to check out the magazine Menopause Matters. I’m very grateful for Katie Phillips, her wonderful interviewees, the menopause café team, the celebs who have shared their stories (Kim Cattrall, Zoe Ball, Meg Matthews, Lorraine Kelly to name a few (see their and others’ stories here) and the ordinary (spectacular) women in my life who have disclosed their menopause journeys to me. Thanks for helping me get over my embarrassment by reminding me; I am not alone and that my Meno related decisions will be the right ones for me.
I have a lot of time for the author Christine Northrup with her interest and application of both her medical and holistic complimentary health expertise. Here is one of her books that you might find particularly useful.
The Wisdom of Menopause
Please do share the link to this blog, ask any questions you may have and do let me know:
- What has been the hardest part of your menopause or menopause with cancer journey?
- What has been the hardest part of caring for someone going through menopause or menopause and cancer?
- What have you discovered?
- Your Meno poem
Resources, References, Study papers and more:
Menopause, The Musical
Communities: The Menopause Cafe
2 English Oxford Living Dictionary (August, 2018).
Definition of isoflavones. https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/isoflavone
Definition of phytoestrogen. https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/phytoestrogen
Alternatives to HRT
1 Complimentary alternative therapies
8 Natural remedies for hot flashes – black cohosh, ginseng and more
9 Mallhi, T. H., Khan, Y. H., Khan, A. H., Mahmood, Q., Khalid, S. H., & Saleem, M. (2018). Managing Hot Flushes in Menopausal Women: A Review. Journal of the College of Physicians and Surgeons–Pakistan: JCPSP, 28(6), 460-465.
Soy germ and isoflavones
3 Imhof, M., Gocan, A., Imhof, M., & Schmidt, M. (2018). Soy germ extract alleviates menopausal hot flushes: placebo-controlled double-blind trial. European journal of clinical nutrition, 1.
Support for Promensil
5 Myers, S. P., & Vigar, V. (2017). Effects of a standardised extract of Trifolium pratense (Promensil) at a dosage of 80 mg in the treatment of menopausal hot flushes: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Phytomedicine, 24, 141-147.
6 Panay, N. (2011). Taking an integrated approach: managing women with phytoestrogens. Climacteric, 14(sup2), 2-7.
Controversy & Genistein
4 Lethaby A, Marjoribanks J, Kronenberg F, Roberts H, Eden J, Brown J. Phytoestrogens for menopausal vasomotor symptoms. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews 2013, Issue 12. Art. No.: CD001395. DOI: 10.1002/14651858.CD001395.pub4.
Vitamins, Black Cohosh and more
Vitamins in combination with Isoflavones –
7 Vitale, S. G., Caruso, S., Rapisarda, A. M. C., Cianci, S., & Cianci, A. (2018). Isoflavones, calcium, vitamin D and inulin improve quality of life, sexual function, body composition and metabolic parameters in menopausal women: result from a prospective, randomized, placebo-controlled, parallel-group study. Przeglad menopauzalny= Menopause review, 17(1), 32.
10 Muhleisen, A. L., & Herbst-Kralovetz, M. M. (2016). Menopause and the vaginal microbiome. Maturitas, 91, 42-50.
11 Britton, R. A., Irwin, R., Quach, D., Schaefer, L., Zhang, J., Lee, T., … & McCabe, L. R. (2014). Probiotic L. reuteri treatment prevents bone loss in a menopausal ovariectomized mouse model. Journal of cellular physiology, 229(11), 1822-1830.
12 Mohammady, M., Janani, L., Jahanfar, S., & Mousavi, M. S. (2018). Effect of omega-3 supplements on vasomotor symptoms in menopausal women: A systematic review and meta-analysis. European Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology and Reproductive Biology.
Vitamin C & E
Support for Vitamin C & E
13 Doshi, S. B., & Agarwal, A. (2013). The role of oxidative stress in menopause. Journal of mid-life health, 4(3), 140.
No support for Vitamin E (Note – an older paper and findings may be outdated)
15 Dennehy, C., & Tsourounis, C. (2010). A review of select vitamins and minerals used by postmenopausal women. Maturitas, 66(4), 370-380.
14 LeBlanc, E. S., Hedlin, H., Qin, F., Desai, M., Wactawski-Wende, J., Perrin, N., … & Stefanick, M. L. (2015). Calcium and vitamin D supplementation do not influence menopause-related symptoms: Results of the Women’s Health Initiative Trial. Maturitas, 81(3), 377-383.
16 Lerchbaum, E. (2014). Vitamin D and menopause—A narrative review. Maturitas, 79(1), 3-7.
18 Kim, D. E., Cho, S. H., Park, H. M., & Chang, Y. K. (2016). Relationship between bone mineral density and dietary intake of β-carotene, vitamin C, zinc and vegetables in postmenopausal Korean women: a cross-sectional study. Journal of International Medical Research, 44(5), 1103-1114.
19 Jaghsi, S., Hammoud, T., & Haddad, S. (2018). Relation Between Circulating Vitamin K1 and Osteoporosis in the Lumbar Spine in Syrian Post-Menopausal Women. The open rheumatology journal, 12, 1.
17 Kim, M. S., Kim, E. S., & Sohn, C. M. (2015). Dietary intake of vitamin K in relation to bone mineral density in Korea adults: The Korea National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey (2010–2011). Journal of clinical biochemistry and nutrition, 57(3), 223-227.
21 N.B. Old study – Borrelli, F., & Ernst, E. (2010). Alternative and complementary therapies for the menopause. Maturitas, 66(4), 333-343.
22 Leach MJ, Moore V. Black cohosh (Cimicifuga spp.) for menopausal symptoms. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews 2012, Issue 9. Art. No.: CD007244. DOI: 10.1002/14651858.CD007244.pub2.
25 Dodin S, Blanchet C, Marc I, Ernst E, Wu T, Vaillancourt C, Paquette J, Maunsell E. Acupuncture for menopausal hot flushes. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews 2013, Issue 7. Art. No.: CD007410. DOI: 10.1002/14651858.CD007410.pub2.
23 Zhu X, Liew Y, Liu ZL. Chinese herbal medicine for menopausal symptoms. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews 2016, Issue 3. Art. No.: CD009023. DOI:10.1002/14651858.CD009023.pub2.
Non hormonal interventions e.g. SSRIs
24 Rada G, Capurro D, Pantoja T, Corbalán J, Moreno G, Letelier LM, Vera C. Non‐hormonal interventions for hot flushes in women with a history of breast cancer. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews 2010, Issue 9. Art. No.: CD004923. DOI: 10.1002/14651858.CD004923.pub2.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
28 British Menopause Society – CBT for Menopause Fact Sheet
27 Stefanopoulou, E., & Grunfeld, E. A. (2017). Mind–body interventions for vasomotor symptoms in healthy menopausal women and breast cancer survivors. A systematic review. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics & Gynecology, 38(3), 210-225.
Vegan-Plant based diet
20 Beezhold, B., Radnitz, C., McGrath, R. E., & Feldman, A. (2018). Vegans report less bothersome vasomotor and physical menopausal symptoms than omnivores. Maturitas, 112, 12-17.
26 Move Over Menopause – 5 reasons why this is the best time to exercise.
Alternatives to HRT and Cancer
29 Fritz H, Seely D, Flower G, Skidmore B, Fernandes R, Vadeboncoeur S, et al. (2013) Soy, Red Clover, and Isoflavones and Breast Cancer: A Systematic Review. PLoS ONE 8(11): e81968. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0081968
30 Toi, M., Hirota, S., Tomotaki, A., Sato, N., Hozumi, Y., Anan, K., … & Ohno, S. (2013). Probiotic beverage with soy isoflavone consumption for breast cancer prevention: a case-control study. Current Nutrition & Food Science, 9(3), 194-200.
Use of Promensil in women with a family history of Breast Cancer
31 Atkinson, C., Warren, R. M., Sala, E., Dowsett, M., Dunning, A. M., Healey, C. S., … & Bingham, S. A. (2004). Red clover-derived isoflavones and mammographic breast density: a double-blind, randomized, placebo-controlled trial [ISRCTN42940165]. Breast Cancer Research, 6(3), R170.
Some of the interviews
Katie Phillips (facilitator of week of My Menopause – interviews with menopause experts)
Celebrity Meno Stories
Importance of vaginal lubricant and vaginal moisturiser (with helpful product comparison)
32 Edwards, D., & Panay, N. (2016). Treating vulvovaginal atrophy/genitourinary syndrome of menopause: how important is vaginal lubricant and moisturizer composition?. Climacteric, 19(2), 151-161. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/13697137.2015.1124259#aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cudGFuZGZvbmxpbmUuY29tL2RvaS9wZGYvMTAuMzEwOS8xMzY5NzEzNy4yMDE1LjExMjQyNTk/bmVlZEFjY2Vzcz10cnVlQEBAMA==
Vulvovaginal Atrophy (VVA)
33 Treating vulvovaginal atrophy/genitourinary syndrome of menopause: Lubricants, Moiturizers and Vaginal DHEA. Slides by Nick Panay, Imperial College London.
Ice-creams – Mark Cruz -334535
Sheep – Sam Carter -191161
The Tor in Glastonbury – Hello I’m Nic -710394
New shoot amongst the dry – Stas Ovsky -632497
Two cups – Tom Crew -661269
Boy and microphone – Jason Rosewell -60014
Four women – Menopause Musical – https://www.ents24.com/uk/tour-dates/menopause-the-musical-touring
Promensil picture 1 – me
Promensil picture 2 – https://promensil.co.uk/
Probiotics – me
Chillmax pillow – me
Article related pictures – me
Book – https://www.drnorthrup.com/
© 2018 Janine Hayward www.psychingoutcancer.com. All rights reserved.
Posted in Menopause, Symptoms and Side Effects Tagged with: Alternatives to HRT, Black Cohosh, Calcium, Cancer, Chinese Medicine, Complimentary therapies, Ginseng, HRT, Isoflavones, Menopause, Myeloma, phytoestrogen, Promensil, Psychology, Red Clover, Soy, SSRI, Treatment, Vitamin B, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Vitamins, Zinc
A fire has started at the bottom of my ribs. It caught hold in an instant. Creeping upwards, slowly at first but I know what’s coming…it’s picking up pace…then whoosh; my chest, head, face and whole body is washed with heat. Fever type heat, taking over the lymph nodes, my forehead, my entire skin. All my sweat glands are working overtime and can’t compete, they give up. It’s a hot flush or flash and boy is it flashy. It makes its presence known.
Now, I’m hot and wet. Nup. Not that kind. The kind where you feel grubby, like you need a shower and a change of clothes. The night sweats are the worst (well for heat), waking up absolutely drenched, the bed linen soaked and feeling too hot to sleep (if I had any in the first place) …and knowing it will happen again in 10 minutes or an hour (if I’m lucky).
The worst is when you get up, feel good, have a shower, do your makeup, still feel good and then while you are finishing off drying your hair or just as you leave the house or need to head for a train…. whoosh it happens again…. that good feeling a distance memory when frustration, feeling stinky and in need of a second shower takes over. Decisions; go out sweaty or be late and have another shower. Lovely. Stinky wins most of the time. I hate being late. I feel like a woman of the Victorian age as I spray myself with perfume to cover up the body odour.
Mid-life crisis or Climacteric or ?
Speaking of ages and eras, I googled menopause and synonyms came up; maturity, mid-life crisis, climacteric, grand climacteric (no less), matureness, post maturity. Mid-life crisis – what an unhelpful way to talk about menopause. Though finally and slowly, Menopause is being talked about (mind you, we could do with a royal to take up the band wagon and bring it into the bright light). Climacteric is an interesting one, apart from referring to Menopause in medical circles it also denotes a critical period or event and having extreme and far-reaching implications or results. I got a shock when I discovered what some of these far-reaching implications were. Men, this is just one of the places where you come in!
In the week when I decided to research Menopause and Cancer the universe must have been aligning; three different sources of Menopause information happened into my path. The first one; I turned on the radio and heard the presenter say a piece on Menopause was coming up. Perfect timing.
Menopause; a completely natural process involving women’s bodies producing less oestrogen and changing progesterone hormone levels. I’ll come back to the implications of these in part two of this blog. For now, let me tell you about something I heard on the radio that shocked me. The host talked of how she had discovered some high flying, dynamic women at the top of their career had left their jobs due to the difficulty they had experienced in managing the symptoms of menopause.
Shocked doesn’t really explain it. In this day and age? I didn’t doubt that the symptoms must have been horrendous; I was stunned that women were not being adequately supported by medicine or natural means to enable a normal physiological transition to be facilitated so that their lives and work were not impacted in such a significant way. The feminist in me wondered if men would have put up with this state of affairs though to be reasonable, menopause appears to be a learning curve for many of us. Consequently, I was shocked.
I was even more shocked when men joined the discussion and explained their relationships had broken down, divorce had resulted and they described their many regrets about not having understood what the women in their lives were going through during menopause.
Job loss, love loss. OMG. Menopause, you can be incredibly cruel and we need to talk about you, a whole lot more. Now!
Symptoms and Years
In my humble opinion, Menopause symptoms are sh*t: mood swings, hot flushes, night sweats, brain fog, short term memory loss, difficulty in finding words and string sentences together, fatigue, low libido and vaginal dryness. They often start when women are in their 40s and 50s though can start when women are much younger.
Symptoms often last YEARS. Men, please note this. YEARS not weeks or months. Most women (8 out 101) face life impacting menopause symptoms for between 3 and 7 years and for some women, the rest of their lives. On top of this, perimenopause (the few years before menopause starts) usually brings unhelpful, generally unwanted symptoms too including disrupted sleep, headaches and heavy periods.
Ok, not all women experience these symptoms so we must be careful of making assumptions however MOST women do find themselves having to go through yet another massive learning curve about their body. And guys, it would be great if you came along for the educational ride. Not least because men go through a ‘pause’ of sorts too!
For men, it’s called andropause and refers to age-related changes in male hormone levels. Male menopause (not necessarily a helpful term) involves a drop in testosterone production in men who are age 50 or older. It’s often affiliated with hypogonadism. Both conditions involve lowered testosterone levels and similar symptoms.
You’re getting on my wick…
Ha. So we DO have an excuse for being irritable and bitchy. Sort of…well, not really…because it’s not that helpful, is it? Usually most of us just feel worse when we let irritation get the better of us and say or do something we wish we hadn’t said or done. However, when we know hormones may be playing a big part in our mood we can use our awareness to catch ourselves in our irritation and then choose our words and actions carefully, with more sensitivity. Not always easy but likely to result in a better day. It’s also OK to acknowledge we are feeling easily irritated!!
The more we talk about menopause, the more men and women will be able to identify when peri-menopause and menopause start. We can then learn about the options for managing the unhelpful symptoms. Finally, both men and women can then practice and take responsibility for being supportive, tolerant and understanding of each other and ourselves as we go through these changes. Maybe then, we’ll be able to avoid mountains from molehills and the extremes; relationship challenges and break down, negative outcomes for career and lifestyle.
Now imagine dealing with all of this…and cancer…and chemo.
Except, there’s more.
I wish it was just the symptoms listed above and the frequent embarrassment that accompanies them, that many women were dealing with. Going through the menopause can play havoc with women’s sense of identity, sexiness, and value in the world. Western society still predominantly relates to the menopause phase as women becoming old and somewhat invisible rather than being mature, loving and fully living life.
Edna M. Astbury-Ward summed it up well in her 2003 paper
The social construction of menopause as the entry point to old age may represent a challenging and difficult time, because while women may feel young, society tends to perceive them as rather less attractive and less fully functioning. This perception of menopause as a negative milestone is often found only in Western cultures. Medical culture also influences the meanings of middle and old age, particularly for women at the time of approaching menopause.
Cultural bias against ageing and sexuality has contributed to that stereotyping of older women as asexual. In general, the media has not served the ageing female well. Older men are often marketed as sexy, yet older women are rarely seen outside of advertisements for hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and Conti knickers.2
I suspect we need a new, positive and helpful narrative for the completely natural yet often difficult to go through transition that is menopause. The recent menopause cafe phenomenon may be helping with this as a space is provided to discuss menopause and challenge stereotypes.³ Princess Anne, Duchess of Cambridge, Kate; Duchess of Sussex, Meghan – you don’t fancy taking up the band wagon, do you?
Chemo vs Menopause
This was the backdrop to my realisation that chemotherapy and menopause symptoms are eerily very similar. I had been struggling to manage some of the chemo symptoms, particularly the lack of good quality sleep yet they may not have been chemo side effects at all (or at least not current side effects).
My next challenge along this cancer journey was now starkly obvious; to work out how best to support myself over the next year of treatment or to review treatment options, I needed to discern what was a chemo symptom and what was a menopause symptom and then learn how to address each in the best way for me. In the back of my mind it also occurred to me that I may end up going through this whole process twice so getting a handle on it was crucial to enjoying my life and living it to the full. Twice, because my menopause was possibly chemotherapy induced and not following its natural path. I was yet to find out if there was a chance my symptoms would stop then start again once chemotherapy was complete (joy of joys).
There it was, a whirlpool of thoughts swirling around, when in the space of a few days, I turned on the radio at the right time, walked into a foetal medicine building to use the loo only to discover a medical exhibition on menopause and noticed a webinar series advertised on social media involving a week of interviews where experts in menopause shared their pearls of wisdom.
Timing and attention; thank you, Universe.
Part two coming up -– the nuggets from the Menopause experts and my oncologists’ stand-off!
I am going to take a breather now… oh, and another shower.
2 Astbury-Ward, E. (2003) ‘Menopause, sexuality and culture: Is there a universal experience? Sexual and Relationship Therapy’. Journal of the British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy. 18(4), 437-445
³ https://www.theguardian.com/society/menopause – Menopause café and challenging stereotypes about aging.
© 2018 Janine Hayward www.psychingoutcancer.com. All rights reserved.
Posted in Menopause, Myeloma Treatment, Symptoms and Side Effects Tagged with: Cancer, Chemotherapy, Menopause, Myeloma, Side effects, Treatment
What a year! I turned 48, I was diagnosed with cancer and I’ve completed 48 chemo sessions. I love the number 48; it seems so symmetrical to me (I love a bit of symmetry). Now ‘48’ has a WHOLE new world of associations!
Warning…I have happy news, and, I’m going to talk about toilet rituals.
First, the rituals.
This may seem very strange to those of you who have always been super careful about hygiene when using public loos. In my defence, I have rarely worried about these things because my childhood in New Zealand was filled with non-traditional toilet arrangements. When you are fortunate enough to spend all day at the beach or walking in the bush or driving long stretches of deserted road or camping in remote sites you tend to get over yourself quite quickly about going to the loo wherever and however.
Doing your business quickly behind a tree, rock, or in a smelly long drop with minimal paper or alternatively leaves or seaweed, is not that unusual. Worrying about being seen was always a bit more bothersome than worrying about bugs, microbes or possible infections! The upshot is; I have never worried about using public loos, ‘catching anything’ or having to use disinfectant. I just focussed on washing my hands well.
Now that my immune system is compromised it’s another story completely….though maybe I’m being a bit anal? (pun intended)
In the Chemo Day Unit, patients are asked to ‘wipe the loo’ with anti-bacterial wipes before and after use. I recently discovered I had developed a wee ritual…Take a wipe, clean toilet seat, fold dirty side in, use clean side to wipe toilet handle, tap, hand wash dispenser, door lock, door handle. Dispose of wipe in bin. Use loo. Wash and dry hands properly – you know the 8-10 step process (depending on the poster). Take new wipe and clean toilet. Goodness knows what bugs I could pick up if I didn’t do this; don’t tell me!
Anyway, this is a new ritual in my life and once again one that seems to consume a little more of my available time and life though hopefully is worth it. It seems so, so far, as I have yet to pick up any major nasties despite lower immunity and chemotherapy for 9 months now. This ritual has now made its way out of the hospital and into public conveniences. AM I being anal? I’ll let you be the judge!
…is happy, positive and hope-FULL…I’m very grateful for it and its effect; a reaffirmation of my faith in my medical team, the drugs and my health and life choices. The Myeloma presence in my body has decreased further in the last few months… It’s down to 1 g/l (42 g/l at its peak) and a may be yet to plateau. Yee ha! Not only that, the serum kappa light chain results are 1.75 mg/l, backing up this great news and described as ‘excellent’ by Dr L. On top of that my liver is doing well. My Hb (Haemoglobin, the protein found in the red blood cells that carries oxygen around) level is back up to 121 g/l so I no longer need to consider taking EPO (yes, the cheaty cyclists’ drug of choice! I’m a tad disappointed. I had wanted to experience how energised I’d feel!) While 121 g/l is lower than the desired normal levels (125 g/l plus) it is great for someone with Myeloma. My kidneys are also doing OK for someone with Myeloma, my Creatinine is 69 umol/L and normal level for women is approx. 45 -90 umol/L (I think; there seems to be some debate!). Lots of good, great news, here. Dr L delivered these details and then reminded me to keep drinking 2-3 litres of water today for kidney care. I imagined my kidneys; bloated, water-logged, bean-shaped balloons, wrapped up in clouds of cotton wool, floating about, relaxed and without a worry in the world.
I’ve had yet another bone marrow biopsy and pet scan (what effect does three doses of radioactive sugar chasing gunk in a year have on one’s body? I guess I’ll find out!). I have an ear numbing full body MRI coming up in a fortnight.
Let’s hope they show (or don’t show lesions at all) that lesions are further dissolved and there are no new uninvited guests!!
What a year.
One number I’ll never forget.
Images: Me (graphs va KCH), Long Drop – Sarang (public domain use permission granted)
© 2017 Janine Hayward www.psychingoutcancer.com. All rights reserved.
Posted in Chemotherapy for Myeloma, Myeloma Treatment, Results Tagged with: Bone Marrow Biopsy, Chemotherapy, Myeloma, Results, Tests, Treatment
It may not be very British but I’m going to talk about money. When this Myeloma journey started, my hubby and I immediately obsessed and worried about money, about what a cancer diagnosis could do to us, and how much treatment would cost. I was disappointed, ashamed and annoyed to discover my NZ life term insurance had recently expired. It had always been a comfort to me that if anything had happened to me, Mum and Dad would get some money which would at least cover any unforeseen expenses such as Mum and Dad coming over for a funeral, funeral costs etc…but no, I let it expire without reviewing it….and the NZ insurance company who had happily taken my money each year had failed to update their systems with my new contact details, ensuring I didn’t receive any notifications of impending expiry. They don’t offer that type of insurance anymore and so to renew, instead of paying an affordable sum, I would have to pay upwards of six times the amount for less coverage, and the fee would increase annually. This would only be an option, of course, if I could get past the health questionnaire. Here’s the first thing, that turned out to be costly.
Next, and we put our hands up, it was our fault, after having health insurance for over ten years, we had just gained quotes for renewal and then decided to defer paying for a new policy for a few months. We surmised, incorrectly, that we were fit and healthy; it could wait until hubby had changed job as health insurance often came in the salary package. If he hadn’t secured the job he wanted within three months, we would take out a separate policy. Murphy’s law, cancer turned up in our lives, within the first month of the period with no cover. We felt embarrassed, upset and kicked ourselves that we had taken this risk; it hit hubby hard. He felt guilt and worry that he may not be able to provide me the treatment and care experience that he wanted for me, without private health insurance options. That wasn’t necessarily the case but we didn’t know that at the time; he felt awful.
I was worried about money and treatment experience, and I knew, we had made the health insurance deferral decision for what seemed the right reason and sound risk assessment at the time; it was, what it was. There was no point worrying about it now. As it turned out, with all things weighed up (including the cost of self-funding; a minimum of £15,000 per month for approximately two years and that did not include stem cell harvest and transplant procedures), I more than likely would have chosen the NHS trial route anyway (or maybe this is choice bias at work?!) and so this decision would have had minimal impact.
The hidden cost, has turned up when I have tried to get health insurance post diagnosis (you know, for all the things that can happen to me health wise that are not about cancer); not a simple or affordable task by any means. If you have had or are living with cancer, many insurers simply won’t insure you. Too bad, if I get hit by a car crossing the road and break my leg (nothing to do with cancer). This is yet to be resolved. Thank goodness, the NHS is usually fab in emergencies.
More costs turned up, and this was all before getting to day to day living costs that seemed to have quadrupled since cancer arrived. I had just finished a doctorate and as many readers now know, we had planned the trip of a life time with friends to meet in Canada for skiing. A wonderful luxury, saved for and highly anticipated; a fitting reward for all our hard graft over the previous five years. First our flights had to be changed and a new flight purchased, some accommodation and car rental costs forfeited and new ones incurred all to ensure I was back in time for treatment. Next the company we had paid for travel insurance with, over the previous 15 years and with whom I had never claimed, cancelled our policy on hearing of my diagnosis – not just my policy but hubby’s as well!
Trying to find travel insurance when you are newly diagnosed with cancer is not easy. Only a few insurers do it, they ask a whole heap of very personal questions (that I had never anticipated having to answer) but that is not the kicker. The kicker is that instead of paying £120 for a comprehensive travel policy that includes all the sports, the cheapest policy I could find was well over five times as much and gave me considerably less cover. Nice! A real, kick you when you are down, moment. For a few minutes, to myself, I cried and threw my toys out of the pram; how dare they? Don’t they know this situation is hard enough? My holiday has been spoilt. I’ve got cancer! They’re exploiting me. They know I don’t have a choice but to pay their charge or not go on holiday, how cruel can they be? Bast***ds’. Why was I being kicked while down and discriminated against? Obviously, I am not meant to travel when I am living with cancer or recovering, I am contaminated and meant to stay at home, rest and be quiet. Expensive, that’s what it is. I felt hurt and upset. Apart from the cancer, I was well, managing my treatment well and doing everything I could to ensure I would not need to go to hospital or need any extra meds while away (hell, I was even away with a medical expert) yet I was still required to pay a crazy amount for travel insurance. In the end, I paid, putting quality of life over money. I know I was lucky to be able to do this (see post Elk-ibou on the corner of Fox and Cougar).
Health insurance is expensive and hard to get. Travel insurance is expensive and hard to get. What next? Everything. Living with cancer, everything has seemed more expensive. If it hasn’t cost extra, it has usually meant I have had to trade off not incurring an expense with doing/buying something that may be helpful or healthier for me. The books I’ve bought about Cancer and how to survive; the organic food, supplements, the nutrition appointments all to ensure I was doing the best I could do for my body; weekends away that I booked because I worried I would become too ill to travel, anywhere; the glass containers I bought which were ‘safer’ than the plastic we’d lived with for years, the cleaning products I bought to eventually swap out with the brands I was used to buying, the bees wrap instead of cling film, the natural instead of usual skin care, all to avoid harmful toxins, parabens, BPAs and the like; the nutri-bullet and extra cups for the plant food smoothies, the non-dairy milks that are more expensive than milk because I’ve been advised to avoid dairy food for a while; the new clothes, I didn’t want to waste money on but had to buy because my clothes were dropping off my new plant food/chemo’d1 frame; the new, old car (plus insurance, MOT, resident parking permit) that we bought in case I became too ill to get to hospital appointments but had been managing perfectly well without, ‘before cancer’…these have all been costs we would not have had this year or ever, if I hadn’t received my news of Myeloma. If I keep thinking about this topic, there are other costs too but I’ll stop here before this list becomes overwhelming.
Many of these costs may appear non-essential; if there is limited income and children to feed and support, I understand how many people living with cancer may not spend or even have the money to spend on books, blenders and the like. And there it is…the big question, how much does the ability to afford these changes, impact outcomes of; overcoming cancer, managing treatment or at the very least, living the highest quality of life possible?
What a horrible situation to be in, a horrible choice to have to make (if there is a choice, and for a parent particularly); asking themselves, do I spend the money on things that may help me overcome cancer or stay as well as possible, for as long as possible or do I forgo those expenses because we don’t have the money for them or because I don’t want to spend the money spent on me, when there are kids to provide for? In my case, with no kids to consider, I found myself also thinking, I don’t want to waste money because Si still has a life to lead after I’m gone. We have built our assets together so why should we spend all the assets we have on my treatment needs/quality of life preferences now, only for his life after me to be significantly worse off, financially? It’s his life, his money, too.
Ok, so costs are up, some through choice and some through imposition by others. Then there is the whole matter of income. Would working be feasible while getting treatment and was I entitled to any income support? I’d just applied for two great part-time roles to go with the independent projects I was working on. I put the applications on hold. The weekly schedule of hospital appointments, blood tests and Chemo didn’t seem to leave room for work. Working as I had planned to work, seemed impossible. Not knowing how I would cope with Chemo and how much rest I would need also made it difficult to commit to a new job. I didn’t want to let others down and I would need flexibility. I’m not sure I would have hired me in those circumstances.
Costs have gone up and kicker number two; earnings have come down, crashing down. I know some people work while receiving treatment, through preference for the distraction or normality of working. Some people work because they must. Others can’t work through being too ill and rely on income support through disability or illness. The overall equation is simple; less income in, new costs and normal costs doubling, mean less money overall, fewer choices and for most people, more stress and pressure, right at a time when resilience, calm and mental strength are needed.
How do people living with cancer cope? How can I cope? Even the idea that I would need to consider income support played with my sense of self, sense of standing on my own two feet, being independent, contributing and not being a burden. Yes, I know, I can hear some advice now, the support is there for these kind of times, when unforeseen circumstances hit, you’ve paid your taxes for twenty years, you’re entitled to support, take it. It still irks and I’m working through what I can and can’t claim, how much I can and can’t work, whether work is helpful or unhelpful, an option financially or not.
There has been a wee light at the beginning of this cancer cost journey; the small critical illness insurance I did have, was paid out within 10 days without quibble. I am forever grateful for this, for one insurance company’s sensitive, rapid handling of my claim. They made sure they didn’t add any more stress to a very stressful period of wrapping my head around diagnosis, the very opposite response of the travel insurer.
The challenge now is to turn this wee bit of money into considerably more money and find the time, amongst all the treatment, for this whole other project – changing our finances for our new circumstances. I feel so awful for my husband in all of this; he didn’t sign up for his quality of life to be diminished, his wife to be ill and more pressure on him to earn and yet simultaneously be with me at treatments and consultations. We certainly hadn’t included hospitals and medications and thoughts about selling our home, in the design of our near future. Yet, I know in so many ways we are lucky and many people don’t have choices financially or otherwise, in the way that I do, we do. Though sometimes I don’t feel very lucky.
Cancer costs; not just emotionally, physically, spiritually, intimately – it costs financially, in all sorts of directions, I couldn’t have anticipated and know that I am yet to encounter. I’m not yet facing that scary prospect of needing an experimental drug not yet available in the UK or a trip to the USA for a new type of Car-T cell treatment or new transplant. Those do not bear thinking about right now.
Talking about money is hard; it is so often a contentious topic or a trigger for stress. People often have very different views about money and very different relationships with money. It can be hard to find agreement with the ones we love about how money should be earned, spent, saved and valued and that is when life is going well. When illness strikes or circumstances change, it becomes even more important to set aside any fear, vulnerability and embarrassment arising when talking about money. I recommend taking a deep breath and just start talking about it, in a matter of fact manner; your financial mistakes, lessons learned, fears and hopes. One hope I have is that this post helps others talk and listen to conversation about money in a compassionate and non-judgemental way. In cancer journeys, along with other life journeys, agreeing how to move forward financially is important and warrants open honesty. This will help money worries and any negative impact on recovery and treatment outcomes for the person living with cancer and their loved ones to be minimised.
1Chemo’d (my new word, do you like it? Or I could just say ‘fried’ but I like Chemo’d better, more self-explanatory I hope)
Editing: Isobel S
© 2017 Janine Hayward www.psychingoutcancer.com. All rights reserved.
Posted in Finance and Cost, Psychology for Cancer Tagged with: Cancer, Hidden Costs, honest, Money, Myeloma, open, Talk, Treatment
Causes, Choices, Control and Change.
Now that I have circumnavigated the first two months of treatment, with a focus on doing what had to be done, I notice the question of ‘Why Me?’ popping into my head more often. I think about causes, choices, control, and change. What caused my Myeloma? Why Myeloma and not another cancer? Did my past choices cause my Cancer? What can I control now? How do I keep control? What should I change about myself? What should I change about my lifestyle? If I make changes, will my prognosis be the same? Will changes really make a difference? Or will I just think changes make a difference? Will I create false hope? If I make a bunch of changes and my cancer gets worse, or remission is short or only the same as every other person with Myeloma, will I feel cheated, get depressed, wish I’d just carried on as normal and not changed anything? Are thinking about causes, control, changes and choices like a mouse going down a tunnel with no cheese? Which are illusions, which are realities?
Ultimately, the question I was asking myself was: “Should I change my terrain?”
The main areas of terrain I was considering were:
- Mobile Phone / Technology
- Mindfulness and Meditation
Why the focus on these areas of terrain?
I was considering these areas as they made sense to me as possible areas for change. The science, while not based on randomised control trials, is compelling and pointed out in an easy-to-read book called Anti-Cancer, a new way of life by Dr David Servan-Schreiber (who also had cancer).
After all, it is unlikely that there will ever be large swathes of money on offer for randomised control trials (RCTs) about Nutrition for Cancer when Big Pharmaceutical companies are competing for the same pot of money for their new drug… or when the findings from Nutrition trials may potentially show there is no longer a need for an existing drug that makes someone a whole lot of profit right now.
Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for Big Pharma, their RCTs and their drugs; they are helping me to kick Myeloma into remission. I am however, a strong advocate for a holistic approach; an informed meld between medical and non-medical models, especially as the West learns to give more open consideration to healing and health strategies that have been used by non-Western cultures for centuries.
Particularly too, as while Cancer effects people of all ages and socio-economic status, it appears to predominantly be…drum roll… a first world country problem. Why is it that the rates of Cancer are very high in some countries (France, Denmark, USA, New Zealand and UK) in comparison to other countries (Japan, India, Oman). Why is it that more developed countries fair worse than less developed? 268 cases of cancer were diagnosed per 100,000 in more developed regions, compared to 148 in less developed regions in 2012, with an exception being the non-melanoma skin cancer rates which were higher for less developed countries. Why do other countries have crazily high rates of people with major illnesses other than cancer, such as heart disease (Turkey, Russia)?
Although diagnosis and recording systems availability and accuracy may influence data, could it be that certain types of stress, food, individualistic societies or combinations of these are also having an impact on cancer rates?
I indulged my ‘Why Me?’ for a short time and asked: “Was it because I had chronic stress for years?” Was it because, before changing career, I had worked in contracts for telcos and banks, with constant tight deadlines, crazy commutes (5 hours a day at one stage) and a feeling of always having too much work and never getting it done? I wondered, did I get cancer because I’d lived on coffee for years, eaten too much chocolate, cake, biscuits, drunk too much alcohol during my twenties (and thirties)? Or was it because I was too analytical, too ‘in my head’, ‘too something’? Was this my path, my destiny? Was I meant to learn something? Be something from this experience? Did I even believe in paths, fate, non-fate?….and so like any normal human ‘bean’, I dwelt for a little while and still do occasionally. And, this IS a tunnel with no cheese. This conversation with myself, doesn’t serve me. I don’t hang out there for long.
We (me, my medical team, the fatalists and non-fatalists in my life) don’t really know the answer to Why Me? When I asked the medical team, if anything I had done, used or consumed, caused the Myeloma, they insisted there is no evidence for links between my list and people getting Myeloma. I rattled off: stressful jobs; caffeine and alcohol; supplements; skin potions and lotions; whacky, at the time, spa treatments; and, multiple surgeries (involving though not exclusively, three knee and a number of IVF related invasions).
It may be something I’ve done or something I haven’t done, something about my biological make up, my vulnerabilities, the years of chronic stress, the coffee or lack of coffee (I went without for a year) or some very specific combination of some, or all of these, in very specific amounts of severity, for a specific duration. Are you noticing the complexity of ‘cause’ here? No one really knows and no one may ever know. There may be some amazing medical breakthrough in two years, 4 months and 6 days, when someone is studying finger surgery and discovers something new about Myeloma, that then leads to a randomised control trial or DNA discovery that may indicate some possible cause of Myeloma.
Let’s face it – right now, what we know is, Myeloma strikes at random and in general, men over 70 years old seem to get struck a little more than most. Until such time, as some crazy discovery is discovered, there isn’t much point me thinking about ‘Why Me’?
I can’t help thinking, if I don’t change something about: how I was living, what I was putting into my body and, how I was thinking, I’ll invite the status quo or a repeat performance. That is, won’t I be inviting Myeloma to return once it is in remission, if I don’t change the terrain in which it developed, ran amok and was diagnosed? This is the possible illusion as today’s reality (medical knowledge) indicates Myeloma always ultimately returns and people living with Myeloma eventually stop responding to treatment (drugs and transplants). However, making changes and choices, help a person to feel in control of their day to day or to feel they have some control over their illness: another illusion? Possibly…but….
What if changing my terrain works?
If I changed my terrain and it didn’t change my prognosis or my response to treatment, I would be disappointed but at least I’d know, I had done the best I could. No regrets. Or would I think, sh*t I should have just had chocolate fudge cake whenever I felt like it, three coffees a day (and thrown in margaritas and champagne regularly) because it probably didn’t make a blind bit of difference?!
But what if it did work? What if I changed my terrain: changed my nutrition; removed my mobile phone from the bedroom; replaced my cleaning products with eco friendly, less toxic ones; used only ‘safe plastic’ or glass to store food; changed my skin care products to chemical free, natural ones; and practiced mindfulness and meditated regularly? What if, after all of these changes my response rate to Chemotherapy was excellent and my remission period was longer than average. Wouldn’t the choices, changes and exerted control be worth it?! SO, what choice do I have, really? How will I know what difference change makes, without making change? If I don’t make all the changes, all at once, don’t I risk missing out on gaining the full benefit, if there is a benefit to be gained?
Causes, Choices, Control and Change – both illusions and realities.
I don’t know the cause of Myeloma. I don’t know if my past choices had any influence over whether I got Myeloma or not. I don’t know if my present and future choices will influence how my Myeloma treatment, prognosis and experience will play out. The only thing I do know, is that I can choose to change and making changes may help me to feel in control. Taking control and making changes may have a positive impact on my lifetime outcome and my experience of the cancer journey or at the very least it may help me to feel some semblance of lack of regret.
Psychology – Choices.
What I also know (though it can be easy to forget this) is that I can always choose to review my choices regularly and change them. No one is stuck with a choice. It might feel like it yet we make dozens of choices every minute of the day – which direction in which to move, what to say, to eat or not eat if we have food, where to look. We can keep choosing even about the big-ticket items in our life. Just because we take one path doesn’t mean we can’t, pause, reflect, review and make another choice or reaffirm the choice we have made.
For example, each day for the last six weeks, I chose not to have coffee. Now, I’m going to get one, and savour it. You might say, well if you were a smoker trying to quit smoking, a choice of having one cigarette may be a poor choice. I might choose to agree. Alternatively, I might choose another tack and say that the smoker trying to give up who finds his/herself having one cigarette, could choose to not ‘beat their-self up over it’; they could choose to recommit to their goal of giving up and choose in each minute, to not have a cigarette. Better yet, they could also choose to make a positive healthy, non-cigarette involving choice, about what to do and where to place their attention. In other words, I would encourage positive choices that serve them and their goals.
Now relate this to Chemo and Changing My Terrain. Two months ago, I chose to start Chemo. Tomorrow, I might choose to stop. I could. I might. Right now, I have reviewed my choice and I am happy with my choice to do Chemo and be in a clinical trial. It doesn’t mean I can’t choose differently tomorrow, if I so wish. Let’s take a breather now; more about choices and attention later. Hmmmm, smell that coffee.
World Cancer Research Fund International
World Health Organisation
Editorial help (any errors are solely my own): Simon Hayward and Belinda Marment
Illustration: Sapphire Weerakone
© 2017 Janine Hayward www.psychingoutcancer.com. All rights reserved.
Posted in Myeloma Treatment, Nutrition for Cancer, Psychology for Cancer Tagged with: Cancer, Cause, Change, Choice, Control, Lifestyle, Mobile, Myeloma, Nutrition, Terrain, Treatment, Why Me
Aside from the Chemo, my body has consumed at least 534 medications and 825 supplements in the last 50 days….1359 pills in all.
I visited a well know artist with a gallery in South London. I tried to have an open mind but still came away not liking the art!
I did discover the gallery has an interesting cafe based on a pharmacy (and one of the artist’s famous pieces) with an array of pills show cased all over the walls. If I post pics of all of my pills do you think he’ll come after me for plagiarism?!
My average day….
I’m officially a pill popper!
Posted in Myeloma Treatment, Nutrition for Cancer Tagged with: Cancer, Medication, Myeloma, Pills, Supplements, Treatment, Vitamins