I listened to an interview with best-selling author Marion Keyes today and she talked about writing emotional landscapes. This is a wonderful phrase; it captures the many random thoughts I have about life, being human, living with cancer, with chemo, with uncertainty. Random thoughts, the theme for this blog, a collection of moments from the last two months where thoughts appeared in my mind as I sat, walked, waited, tossed, turned, fumed, cried, ached, appreciated, smiled, laughed and loved, always loved.
House music is on my mind and in my ears…though the Brighton weekend for clubbing was a bust – great weekend – we just didn’t find a stylish club with fab house music. Our guys went ahead to do reconnaissance. They didn’t even make it inside one club. A group of people came out (not fast enough according to them) saying very loudly how sh*t the club was, dark, dingy, crap music…needless to say we abandoned that idea. Fab friends made up for clubbing disappointments. After all, we are fortunate enough to live in one of the best club cities in the world so maybe we’ll stay local next time!
The chemo regime called VTD is different this time, cannulation monthly only – yippee! The weekly injection of Velcade isn’t so bad. I take one dose of anti-nausea beforehand and haven’t needed anymore anti-nausea drugs afterwards so far. I end up with a little localised bruising. The drug kicks in fully after about 36 hours…funny sensations, aches, pains (all bearable) in my bones…I visualise Myeloma shrivelling and dissolving.
The Thalidomide seems to impact my quality of life a lot more than the Velcade. Yes that Thalidomide, the one that causes horrible side effects for foetuses. It is no longer given to pregnant women but was discovered to have a positive impact on cancer, see here), The daily 80mg dose knocks me out and I feel tired ALL THE TIME. The stuff is toxic. A nurse who first administered the pills to me was gloved up and handling it like it was a hot potato, doing their best to avoid all contact with the pills. I wondered what the hell I was about to put into my body!
Even the weekly steroid doesn’t combat the lethargy (but it has made me eat more and I’ve put on 7kg that I don’t want!). Early morning energy is now a distant memory. The other unwanted side effect of is my stomach is like a horizontal crackerjack. I take Thalidomide and out my stomach comes, tight and large, making me look like I have consumed a whole loaf of gluten filled bread or more ironically, I look pregnant. On top of the VTD chemo regime I inject nightly Clexane, a blood thinner to stop the Thalidomide from causing blood clots.
Oh the layers…take this because it helps this but then take that because to take the first thing you need that thing to stop the bad things of the first thing….and round and round it goes….Still, the regime is working and the presence of Myeloma in my blood and bone is dropping again, down from 17 to 11. Hopefully it will continue to fall.
Doesn’t it seem an age since Christmas already? I nicked named last Christmas, Creepy Chrimbo because the hospital was strange and very different from usual. My chemo didn’t stop just because it was Christmas eve or New Year’s eve. I am grateful for all of the hardworking nurses who managed to fit in everyone’s treatment to a short week so Christmas Day could be the best it could be.
Hospital halls were eerily empty and I could hear every footstep I made ringing in my ears. I felt like I was in an Alfred Hitchcock thriller or that Jack Nicholson’s horror film grin would appear around a door jamb any second. The sense of being alone was made worse because the Chemo Unit is down the end of a long corridor, I often feel like it’s ‘shoved away’ with the renal unit, out of the way because somehow we are toxic and ‘they’ don’t want us near others, the healthier people, in case we contaminate them somehow. I know this is silly but then maybe not? Chemo is after all, hazardous, noxious and needs careful handling so maybe it is purposeful that our unit is past the research centre and beyond the other wards. I know it isn’t helpful to think this way, a little negatively, like we are not really wanted and are merely being put up with somehow. The NHS staff certainly don’t perpetuate this story; they are friendly and welcoming.
Just before I was alone in the long corridor I noticed a woman on a hospital bed being wheeled towards the renal unit. I try not to look at people when they are being wheeled around in public view, I often think it is fairly undignified yet obviously a necessary event in hospitals. I wouldn’t want to make eye contact with anyone if it was me on that bed. I’ve noticed some patients close their eyes, put a pillow or blanket over their face – possibly to gain some privacy in a very public space so I try to offer it by glancing away quickly. Though if someone in a bed looked directly at me I have decided to smile and hope they find it reaffirming, reassuring, and non-judgemental somehow.
This woman was on her side, looking away. It was after 5pm on the 24th and I wondered what her Christmas would be like and what her story was. Would she be sad to be in hospital over Christmas Day? Did she have family who wished she was with them? Would they visit her? Did she want them to visit? Or was she secretly relieved she had the best excuse to not ‘do’ Christmas this year, to rest and focus on herself instead. Or maybe she didn’t celebrate Christmas at all and instead would be disappointed to be missing out on holidays. These thoughts vanished as I found myself alone in a grey corridor with white walls, in silence where there was usually the hustle and bustle of nurses, doctors, patients and public, trolleys and endless supply boxes.
The silence strangely continued outside where the usually busy main street was devoid of cars and people. This reminded me of the contrasts of Christmas, wonderful, fun, exciting for some and challenging, triggering, or lonely for others.
The new buzzword popping up everywhere is Repurposed. From transforming old furniture into something new or turning one person’s rubbish into another person’s useful item, and now, the latest thing is repurposed drugs. Essentially, using drugs already approved by the medication regulators for treating non-cancer illnesses, to treat cancer or be added to existing cancer treatments to increase effectiveness.
When I first came across this I thought it was yet another cancer fad because the headlines gaining traction were about repurposing dog wormer! Yes you read correctly. Cancer patients were shouting out about how an anti-parasitic drug called Fenbendazole usually used for deworming dogs had cured their cancer! I was very dismissive. I don’t want to miss out on something that works but I don’t want to get caught up, distracted, invest time and precious energy into the cancer equivalent of the latest diet or beauty treatment. Dog dewormer seemed to be more in the fad than the credible category and on par with ‘take turmeric’ and your cancer will vanish. While I am a big fan of turmeric and curcumin and take it daily, I do not believe for one second that it (or Fenbendazole for that matter) will single-handedly cure my cancer or cure anyone’s cancer.
But then I got thinking, had I been too quick to write off this idea? Medical discoveries come in many forms, (like the Thalidomide scandal) from unlikely places so why wouldn’t it make sense that a medication that addressed one illness, whether in animals or humans, might also be found to have anticancer effects? I took another look and found this. Click Here
I googled some more (as you do) and came across some other interesting stuff…
Trials and projects involving existing non-cancer drugs are now being investigated for their effects on cancer – these are so important because if found to be effective they are likely to be approved for cancer treatment quickly, be cheaper and more widely accessible as they are already approved for human use and side effects are known. These links explain more..
Imagine living with cancer, walking in to a clinic, having your DNA and genome sequenced by a friendly lab technician and walking out knowing a specialist will create a cancer killing virus tailored just for you and your cancer. This is another exciting development that doesn’t seem too far away now…it’s not science fiction! Check out Andrew Hessel, founder of Humane Genomics, he explains how tailor-made viruses may one day cure cancer.
I wonder how I will be repurposed…will I be fertiliser for a beautiful oak? Will I return as a stretchy, wiley happy cat? A roll of loo paper (someone’s revenge though at least it’s useful)? Or a spider, imagine eight eyes to people watch with….
I’m due an upgrade on my phone. Chatting with my wonderful friend and hairdresser K, we laughed about our mobile phone providers and how I could easily be expected to sign up to a new contract that would out last me! Humour and especially dark humour is an emotional landscape I find really helpful.
It is a high blue sky, crisp cold and sunny day in London today. This emotional landscape is beautiful and I found myself smiling, A LOT.
Woman in the woods – Andrew Neel on Unsplash
DJ – Jernej Graj on Unsplash
Dog Wormer picture (care of The Sun)
Others – Me & Hubby
© 2020 Janine Hayward www.psychingoutcancer.com. All rights reserved.