Hello Blog. I’ve missed you. I’ve been writing to you, in my head, a lot. There have been many opening paragraphs that have never made it to fingers and keyboard. Today is a beautiful day, helped along immeasurably by clear blue sky. Today is the day I put the last month to bed, put it into the past and leave it there, take out the learning points and not allow past negative events to colour my future.
I really wanted to say I haven’t forgotten you and provide a brief update…a reality check…
Health-wise. I have been good on the Myeloma presence front; it’s still low. I have been knocked for six coping with a compromised immune system. Two viruses back to back, an extended chemo/bronchial style cough, even worse sleep patterns (didn’t think this was possible) and fatigue, weakness and low motivation to do anything…these have left me reeling with a very low mood. I’ve felt like a patient, an invalid, more than ever before in the last three to four weeks. Especially when I end up in bed for days, need to avoid being on public transport and wear masks more often. Concentrating to write seemed like an impossibility. I’m here now.
Despite my low mood and fatigue, I managed to push ahead in small chunks with some of the ‘to do’ list. No wonder I’m overwhelmed. Have you ever felt like your ‘to do’ list doesn’t have any small, mundane admin items on it? Instead it is a long list of huge, life-impacting topics that all require maximum brain power, planning and the ability to make decisions – something that is very, very elusive if you are even slightly depressed.
My list has included (though not exclusively by any means);
Finance. How to finance the next few years, mortgages, budgets, investments, trying to find independent financial advisors, palliative care costs, home care costs…the list goes on).
Clinical Meetings. I’ve been chasing meetings with clinicians to get a fresh, up-to-date view of the realities or at least their best guess on what my next few years will look like; how mobile I’ll be, how much treatment will be needed, whether I can do, plan for, bother costing out, some of the life passion things that are important to me – travel adventures, skiing, swimming, road cycling. Securing these meetings has been a challenge and ongoing for weeks now (still unresolved) all because I want to see the original clinician I met and not my trial lead. Dr L is both a realist and optimist. We have worked together for months now. It feels intensely important to hear up-to-date details from someone else, so that it lands in my head with clarity, so that Hubby and I can be exactly on the same page. This is why I am trying to secure a meeting with Dr B. He was the one who was honest about worst case scenarios, the very real lesions in my spine and possible paralysis if treatment was not started. I need to hear it again; where I am and where I’m not, what I must do. I need pointers on how to live. Do I maximise the next two years assuming they are my best or plan pensions and assume I’ll live a lot longer and with mobility? Therefore, what will I need to finance? I know Dr B will find this tough – I’m under 50 after all. I really need his help with this.
Work. How to work, earn income, contribute, have energy to work. Figuring out how much I can work, what work should look like so that I can strike a balance between treatment, time for doing things that are healthy, fun and will give best chance of prolonging life expectancy and support good quality of life.
Academia (My Legacy?). I worked on my first paper and was rejected for the second time by one journal. I’m now working out how to revise and resubmit to another journal, getting ready for the all so common rejection again while visualising acceptance. I’m also working on a second paper, one a senior academic in my viva encouraged me to publish.
Nutrition. I lost too much weight. I had to stop my super careful eating. I tried to reintroduce dairy. I felt worse. I stopped the dairy. I couldn’t get enough calories in without eating constantly which is impossible if you want to do anything else in life! I reintroduced the odd treat (good quality bacon and cake once, twice per week). I felt better and worse. I was advised to put on lean muscle and get my weight up. My weight is up to 63.8kg. I feel good that my weight is up and bad that I’ve introduced things that welcome cancer into my terrain again. I feel unable to control things. I have no appetite and then I’m ravenous. I find it hard to do food balance. I want it to be healthy all the way or…I can’t entertain, the ‘not at all’ option, it feels irresponsible. My nutritionist has recommended a medical protein powder, not high in calories but specifically designed to help create lean muscle for people losing weight due to illness. I try to order it. The site won’t let me. I contact them. They don’t get back to me. I cry with frustration. I finally ask the Nutritionist to sort it out. She does. I haven’t had the energy to try again. I will, this week. I need to feel back in control. I miss enjoying food, I used to love it.
Last and by no means least, Parents and Friends. Spending quality time with Mum and Dad; how to do that, when to do that, how to have the energy and good mood for that. Ensuring we don’t feel like flatmates co-existing under the same roof and make sure we make the most of the time we have together – how?. Sounds easy but it’s not. A great, precious, long, hard-to-adjust-to five months (not sure how that happened… and I laugh that Mum and I laugh about that now). Yet as it spins into the last half of their stay, it is quickly feeling like I’ll look back and it will have gone quickly…
Chemo. This crazy, demanding to do list is all with a backdrop of six days of Chemo, recovery days where I have felt worse than on Chemo days, many many days when I have just wanted to hide under the duvet with the cat for company and stay there for weeks.
Low mood. I’m in it. Up to my eyeballs. Depressed. I’ve been resisting it. Resisting acknowledging it but I’m there now. I feel demands on me everywhere, a sure sign of low mood and overwhelm for me. A weekend away with hubby last weekend, staying at a very generous friend’s home near the sea, culminated in a roller coaster ride and frequent mishaps. From misread maps, and ten minute walks turning into a 40-minute wait in the rain and taxi, to random laughs (singing Delilah with a bunch of strangers in a gorgeous restaurant with fabulous view), deep tonic breaths of sea air, cocktails and a feast, before spending Sunday crying uncontrollably (on the train, at a restaurant, in a cab, just standing, sitting, in the shower, trying to put makeup on; I gave up, behind my mask, walking in the street, everywhere, leaking.) I’ve been so withdrawn. Haven’t wanted to be around anyone except hubby. And have not been a fun person to be with when we have been together. Trying to be practical, talk about future, plan, create with him; this just exacerbated difference in wants, needs, timeframes and how difficult these discussions are. Overwhelm took residence. Overwhelmed. I landed. Here. Rock bottom. Time to acknowledge my situation even more than I have already. I have cancer. Its terminal. It’s Sh*t. It has turned my life upside down. It’s created extreme intensity across all areas of my life. It’s ok to be overwhelmed. It’s likely to happen many times over the next few years and I’ll be alright.
Off track. All the things that help overcome and prevent low mood have fallen off. I’ve fallen off the track. It’s time to get back on now. This low mood feeling won’t disappear overnight. I do know what to do. Start small, just start. Compassion. Compassion. Compassion. Work on basics; begin exercising again, for 5 minutes, an hour, then a few times per week. It doesn’t have to be all at once. The mindfulness and meditation have slipped to once per week. Get it back to daily. It can be five minutes, 10 minutes and eventually longer. Put a good sleep routine back in place, get up at the same time, get rid of the mobile from the bedroom, breathe, use progressive muscle relaxation. Order the protein drink. Get some good music back into my life; it’s been missing. Look for the positives.
Today is a good day. There is a blue sky. I’ve just been to the gym. I’m doing fine. To coin the essence of a phrase my fab friends use on their date nights and that they wisely borrowed from Julia Roberts… If I forget to tell you later, I had a great time today.
Editorial Support: Stephanie Kemp
© 2017 Janine Hayward www.psychingoutcancer.com. All rights reserved.
Part of your legacy, whether you live 5 years or 50 will be this blog. Many people will want to read it and it will be a best seller. Being so open about minutiae is such a gift, a way of accompanying others on their own lonely journey with devastating illness. Your perspective- psychologist as well as patient, alongside your unique qualities of being able to move into difficulty in detail as well as step back and observe are priceless not just to you, but to others.
Thank you Agnes. This comment means the world to me and is so encouraging. Hope you are well and out there making a huge positive difference the way you usually do!
Sending You our Love J & S
I’ve been thinking of you all. It’s Spring here, mostly lovely days. Sending you lots of love and get well germs. Kia Kaha 💐🌸🌺🌹
You are so brave & strong even if you don’t feel like it. Much love. X
Janine, I think of you often and read your blog whenever it appears on my feed. I agree with Agnes, what your writing is a legacy, it could be your book! From the small slither of personal crisis I’ve faced (and it was nothing compared to what your going through) I know that your writing, your honesty, your coping stratergies and your resilience will be helping people in more ways then you will know. Lots of love to you and Simon xx
There’s so much encouragement in what and how you write, J. The words that will float in my ears and heart all today (and I hope beyond) are ‘Start small, just start.’. You’re so obviously doing that. I’m grateful of the reminder that it doesn’t matter how many times you are back at the starting line. Just start again. Sending much love xx
Janine you are always in my thoughts, your bravery and honesty are an inspiration to all, keep up all the hard work and enjoy the good days with what ever you choose to do, u so deserve it, best wishes to u & Simon
Love you Janine. We’re always here for you if you need us. Love the Ipswich branch xx
I’ve been thinking of you J..my heart is heavy reading your blog and where you are at.
You have such an amazing way with words thou that allows us to be with you on your journey.
I want to help pull.you off that rock and set you back on track. A little hard 12000 miles away but I’ve noted the road cycling on your to do list. I’ll be over to get you out. Even if it’s an electric bike and it’s to the sugar free ice cream shop.and back.
sounds like a plan, I’ll take you up on that…maybe we could watch the Giro D’italia together at some stage too!