Ahoy there…you may think I’ve been on some desert island and that accounts for my lack of communication. You’d be right. I’ve been in a world full of ‘I should blog’ and ‘I am blogging, it’s just that it’s in my head or on a random note, emailed to myself.’ That’s the funny thing about blogs…they’re there all the time yet not always out there….
I don’t know why I’ve put off getting my thoughts and stories out and about. I suspect it’s because I’d like to provide a great psychological tip each time I blog. Sometimes I can’t think of something I haven’t already said or I get tangled up in ’getting it right’. Then I end up not doing anything.
Paralysed. By what? Thinking something may not be good enough? Yet that’s not what this blog is about, at all. It is already enough. I blog when I can and when I do. I blog what I can. No more. No less. It’s helpful to me and hopefully, to one or more of you. It feels creative, a release.
It is what it is. I love that saying. It is so black and white yet YELLS acceptance. Can you visualise that? A phrase exuding and yelling acceptance. I love metaphors. I think I’ll ask my friend Sapphire if she might have a go at sketching this one, if she has time. She either will or won’t: both are fine.
I am doing fine. My mantra from the meditation I enjoy: I am doing fine. I am in my fourth month of the 18-month maintenance cycle of treatment. My results are no better, no worse. I get tired. My feet tingle sometimes painfully with neuropathy. I ache. Sometimes I have trouble concentrating, making decisions or being articulate. Often, I am the opposite. Out and about. On the go. Functioning well. Being me. Alive and living.
I said a very solemn eulogy last week. To my umbrella. My favourite umbrella that has been in the family for 13 years. 13 years! Do you know how unheard of, this is? It hasn’t been left on the bus or on a tube or in a café or lent to someone without ever being returned. It was a miracle of survivorship. It outlived all expectations. Especially with my record for losing things.
I loved that umbrella. It was a deep British green with a Jaguar car logo on it. A strong powerful leaping Jaguar. I love cats and especially big cats like panthers and jaguars (I even follow Jacksonville Jags NFL team since seeing them at Wembley a few years ago) and I have always liked the shape of Jaguar sports cars. This umbrella was perfect for me. It was small, light and a marvel of efficacy. Even the spring mechanism worked well every time.
I was so sad to see it go and I am yet to replace it. Living in England, particularly in Spring does not allow long before full commitment to another umbrella is required. It is of course, raining heavily again today. I wonder, will I channel my wonderful big cat umbrella and outlive expectations?
Who knew an umbrella could have friendship qualities? Always there. Reliable. Helpful. Comforting. Safe. I’ve been known to buy crystals, carry stones in my pocket at times. I wonder what other ‘things’ help others out there with Chronic Illness, Pain or Cancer.
I was sitting in the cinema recently and the lady next to me sneezed. Over and over again. When I’d sat down, I had noticed she had a blanket over her knees and thought nothing of it. After her first sneeze, a thought exploded into my head…oh sh*t, does she have flu? I don’t have a mask. Bugger, my immune system can’t get away from this one. Panic stations. Find a tissue, FAST. Cover my nose and mouth quickly.
I turned my back to her, snuggled into Hubby. I felt sad that a visit to the movies wasn’t straightforward anymore. I tried to focus on the film again. Then I started thinking, What was that like for her, for me to turn my back? Did she care? What did she think? Did she notice at all? If she did notice, was she making incorrect assumptions about why I moved? I hoped she didn’t think I didn’t like her, or feel rejected. All while these thoughts invaded my movie time, I prayed she didn’t sneeze again. She didn’t. She coughed, loudly. I felt angry. How dare she bring her bugs to the cinema. Get real Janino, everyone sneezes and coughs. Sh*t, sh*t and triple sh*t. I buried my head in Hubby’s jumper.
I started debating whether there was any point in turning away, covering my face with the folded tissue, trying to prevent bugs access to me and my vulnerable body? The little blighters get through anyway if they are going to…after all, most bugs are small enough to pierce a basic mask. That’s why I wear two masks whenever I’m on a plane. Picking up bugs, its unavoidable at the end of the day, isn’t it? Getting sick is probably unavoidable too. All I can do right now is keep giving my body the best chance of fighting off infection by eating well, being kind to myself, doing what I know to do to support my body. Accepting I’ll pick up bugs sometimes and focussing on the film is probably more helpful than getting angry and worrying about preventing any imminent attack.
We are under attack, by BREAD!
Did you know that there appears to be a big, big problem with much of the wheat we eat around the world – it is TOXIC! This is crazy, right? Glyphosate (in Roundup !!!) is used by conventional farmers, who spray it on their fields between plantings to reduce weed populations and for drying out grain and bean crops so the yield is higher. Did that sink in? A toxic weed killer is sprayed on much of the wheat that ends up in the bread we eat! What’s more, it has been sprayed on our bread FOR YEARS: bread that most of us have had in some form or another, EVERY day.
I’m so shocked! And angry!! The Netherlands have banned it. France are changing their legislation about it. The UK soil association is trying to get the UK government to do something about it. While the whole debate is becoming highly politicised there is evidence for the toxic cumulative effects on people’s health!!! Check out the articles below.
Frankly, I don’t eat a lot of non-gluten free bread these days anyway but I’m certainly going to try and go for organic only now too. I dont fancy consuming ANYMORE Glyphosate or Roundup! It is so damn hard to avoid toxins in this world! Or to know who / how to trust food producers. It will be so expensive if, to keep ourselves well or prevent disease, we return to buying EVERY food item at a speciality, boutique, or independent provider. Most of us simply can’t afford to do that, or it is impractical, even when we are able to work full time and whether we have cancer or not.
We live in wonderful times. We live in scary times.
I miss my brolly.
Check out these articles
The Scientist – How Toxic is the World’s Most Popular Herbicide Roundup?
Photo of the new version of my old brolly by http://davitcareditions.blogspot.co.uk/2010/11/jaguar-merchandise.html
Photo of sliced toast by Manki Kim on Unsplash
© 2018 Janine Hayward www.psychingoutcancer.com. All rights reserved.