A year ago

IMG 2858 - A year ago

A year ago, test results confirmed the specialist suspicions; I have terminal cancer, Multiple Myeloma.  There is no cure.  A year ago.  Already.  The last year has flown by.  Three 2017 dates are now seared into my mind; January 30th, February 10th and my 48th Birthday.

A whirlwind of the new; hospital visits, medical terms and interventions, a community of haematologists, nurses, and Macmillan, a new language of cancer, psychology for self, learning, crying, toughing it out.  Some days I said everything was fine, It’s OK that a hash was made of my cannula or I was waiting over three hours, again.  Other days, I said ouch or OMG or Sh*t, that hurt, get me someone else please, you have not found a vein, this drip is not working, you don’t seem to be following protocol.  I found and used my voice.

Every day I have appreciated the NHS, the team, the help, the efficacy and efficiency of Nurse M, A, and L and others M, J and J; their smiles, their hellos, the added lengths they have gone to and extras they have sent my way, a mask when I’ve needed it, a blanket, a ‘let me know if you need anything’, to ensure I felt kindness, cared for, human, me, Janine.

I’ve had a year of being on the other side of the badge.  It’s not been me with the NHS credentials around my neck; they have had them.  I walk the hospital halls that are so familiar but I’m not visiting a client, attending a seminar or meeting colleagues.  Instead, the appointment is for me, the thick brown file of clinical notes are about me and the graphs and charts on the screen show my body, me, mine.

A year ago. Wow.  I still find it hard to fathom.  Things are normal but not normal.  We get up in the morning.  I go to hospital.  Hubby goes to work.  I rest.  I tinker on projects.  We go to the gym.  We pay bills.  Make dinner. Eat it. Watch too much Prime, too much Netflix (Vikings and The Crown, great, aren’t they?!).  Life goes on.  Yet it is all different, and the same.

I keep saying it ‘a year ago’ because it sounds so strange.  It feels like I’ve been managing this for a few months, not a whole year.  Last year on my birthday, I was getting second opinions.  This year, on my birthday, I will be bunking off one week of Chemo to fly to sun, sand and sea.  Thank goodness for that.  Can’t wait.

Stress and Urgency

I’ve packed in quality moments in planned more.  I’ve had a year of panicking that I may not get the opportunity to see that person again or go to that place.  A year of thinking, ‘don’t delay’, get on with, the before I die, I want to, list.

Deep breath.  The year has passed.  My urge to live life urgently is still there yet the urgency has evolved, is more measured, less reactive, calmer, I think. I hope.  I discovered my need to move to Italy (a lifelong dream) is not so intense and possibly not what I want at all.  Instead, to be able to travel there frequently and for longer periods of time may suffice and be less stressful (more affordable, more flexible, without the bureaucracy and difficulties of moving to a new country).  Or am I compromising too much?  Time, I’ve decided to give it a little more time.  The right thing will become clear.  I’m lucky, I’ll be here tomorrow.

Stress in life is normal, even needed.  Now, as my own therapist proposed, the best question is, which stress is worth it?  I do still worry (in line with what we currently know about the likely progression of Myeloma) that the next two years will be my best, my healthiest, my most mobile.  I do hope to plan and pack in lots of lovely adventures with great friends in 2019 and 2020; ski, sail, bike, travel.  Maybe even have a big party or escapade when this 18-month round of Chemo is over. Although, I’m not wishing my months away just yet.

It’s also OK to not go crazy; spend everything I have on adventures or abandon everything I had already planned and put time in to.  It’s ok to think I’ll be around for a long time (15 years would beat the odds) to invest in our home, our future, and believe, I will have time to enjoy the benefits of the investment.

Feelings

I feel a bit weird yet I don’t really know how I feel, one year on.  A bit unnerved, numb, maybe?  Strangely alive at other times.  I haven’t really worked it out yet.  I wonder if I’ll ever know?  What will show up if I let it?  Over the next few weeks?  Over this entire journey?  The new, yet strangely same life of mine, of ours, that now includes and accepts cancer yet is a life, lives, that refuse to be made invisible, small and weak.

A year ago.  What happened to you over the last year?  Did you grow?  Flex?  Build resilience?  Laugh, love, cry and learn?  I hope so (more laughs than cries with luck).

I have.

© 2017 Janine Hayward www.psychingoutcancer.com.  All rights reserved.

February 6th, 2018 by